I saw our midwife yesterday and Christopher got to hear the baby’s heartbeat and he was so excited, he started hugging me as I lay on the table! Everything continues to look absolutely perfect, I’m gaining weight and starting my second trimester. The midwife has to schedule the appointment with the perinatologist so she called while I was there and they had to fax her this whole paper of questions she had to fill out and send back with my labs, blood work, any tests, etc. THEN they call you and schedule an appointment - so it’s a big process to get in to see these guys. I knew it would take awhile, they are very busy, so we started the paperwork now so I could hopefully get in by the end of March. I was quite shocked to get a call on my cell phone not two hours later saying the specialist wants to see my THIS Friday morning. Hmm…. I’m hoping that’s a good sign and not an indication that he got my chart and screamed, “WHAT?? She’s 12 weeks pregnant already and I’m just now finding out??” I was hoping, and joked with my midwife, that he would see my paperwork and say, “I don’t need to see her, she looks perfect.” Wishful thinking…

So we should be getting an ultrasound this Friday and if the baby is big enough and cooperative, we could find out gender… if we decide we’re going to. We’ll have to talk about that before then!

Something of a tradition in our house:

I can’t sleep when I’m pregnant. It’s terrible, because I’ll get even less sleep (if that’s humanly possible) after the baby arrives. Christopher and Moira did stay in bed all night, that’s great. So I’m up and answering e-mails and at 5:54am Christopher comes stumbling out of his bedroom and into the living room where I have a lamp on. He starts sneezing (Kit & Christopher both sneeze in the light. A doctor explained it to me once but I forgot the reason.) He’s still mostly asleep, covering his eyes from the light, stumbling around and sneezing frantically! It was so funny and sad! I pulled him onto the couch and turned off the light and he’s recovered. Then Moira pops out of the room with a cheery “Hi, Mom!” At least Bennett and Kit are asleep because they were up all night.

Have a lovely Sunday!

I LOVE ham. And turkey. I love the traditional holiday meals of a big hunk of meat and all the trimmings, like cheesy potatoes and green bean casserole and stuffing and mashed potatoes and rolls and cranberry sauce. Especially since Kit got his digital thermometer and makes such amazing meat, so any chance I get we buy enormous cuts and cook them up. But not little cuts - we buy the huge shank, bone in, leg of pig that you can still tell was a pig. Ham’s on sale right now so Kit cooked me one for dinner and that’s all I ate - no veggies, no sides, no bread. Just ham, with my fingers no less! It’s SO good.

I am 12 weeks pregnant. Six months from today will be Kit’s birthday (he’ll be 32, he thinks.) I will be “term” then. I need to stay pregnant for another six months, and for some reason that makes me feel very pressured. I just heard from a mother that delivered at 36 weeks 4 days and the baby was on the vent and in the NICU. Several moms with sick 36 weekers responded to her. It’s a reminder that a baby is really not done baking until at LEAST 37 weeks, preferably 38 and ideally 39 or more.

Which brings up another topic of discussion. Our specialist at Baylor works with high risk pregnancies. That’s all he does - deal with pregnancies in which the mother and/or baby are at risk. Very, very different from what my midwife or even an OB does. Our peri was willing to deliver Bennett at 28 weeks (wow, if we could have made it that long!) and we were horrified but we understand his motivation and to him, babies born at 28 weeks have a 90% or greater chance of surviving. That was his goal - get Bennett out alive and keep him alive. Regardless of how long he was in the NICU, and I know it was really that serious. Everyone (midwife, OB, peri) agreed in Bennett’s pregnancy that if I got to 34 weeks they would take him because they said after that survival doesn’t change much - it’s just a matter of how long they are in the NICU. Babies born after 34 weeks almost always live - 98% or greater chance. The peri considered 34 weeks “term” essentially. And for a man that delivers babies at 23 weeks or less, 34 weekers ARE big, fat, and healthy.

So we’re a little bit nervous (we haven’t met with our peri yet) that he’s going to have a very different perspective on this pregnancy. We’re hoping it’s normal and so far, it is - but is delivering with a peri going to mean he’s more or less likely to intervene? Kit expressed concern that we’ll get to 34 weeks the peri will say, “Hey, let’s deliver!” I assume that was his view for Bennett’s bizarre pregnancy in particular - Bennett really was better off outside of me than in and it was just a matter of figuring out at what point that needed to happen. Our goal this time is 38 weeks. And we’re really wondering which doctor will be most likely to get us to that point. It’s hard to find that balance between paranoid high risk pregnancy and extreme caution, and treating this like a “normal” pregnancy and not using unnecessary intervention. Once we talk this over with our doctor then we’ll have a better idea of his philosophy and I hope, and suspect, his goal will also be 38 or more weeks.

I’ve been starting to feel better which actually terrifies me to no end because then I start to worry that something is going wrong. I know, how sad is that?? I’m almost 12 weeks (this weekend) but I was good and sick until 14 weeks with the boys. I’m still tired but I can eat now and no more migraines so I’m wondering what’s up… could I really have survived my first trimester? That was too easy. No bed rest? Only a few weeks of morning sickness so bad it made me cry? Only two migraines? Hmmm…

With Christopher I first noticed him moving at 14 weeks. Moira I think was 11 weeks. Bennett was 9 weeks. (My midwife didn’t believe me. Not that I blame her. But no one believed we could see gender at 11 weeks. Bennett’s just unbelievably in every way, right? Really, why does anyone ever doubt this little weirdo?) This baby wasn’t super active on ultrasound so that was my comfort since I haven’t felt this baby move yet. Then last night I felt something and blew it off. Don’t want to get my hopes up. I had all kinds of terrible, morbid thoughts I won’t share that made me realize how scared I am.

But now, I cannot deny I am feeling something! And it feels like a little swishing goldfish. And I’m excited, and comforted, and scared - because I remember how it felt to feel Bennett move, and to NOT feel him move, and to spend long nights trying to feel him move because it was the only way we had of knowing that he was still alive. It’s a double edged sword. Comforting when you can feel - nerve wracking if you can’t. I’m really, really scared of being pregnant again. Just how scared seems to be revealing itself in little waves as we move through the weeks.

Omega-3 fatty acids have been shown to help prevent preterm labor, as well as being great for fetal brain development and a bunch of other things. So I’m on supplements and I’m also suppose to eat fish 2 to 3 times a week (and for those of you that have heard fish is bad for pregnant women because of the mercury, that’s only certain fish and I don’t eat those and we’ve checked mercury levels so it’s okay - I keep getting that question.) Now, how to convince the kids that they’re willing to eat fish besides tuna? And I’m impressed Christopher loves tuna. We made broiled salmon last night and left it plain except for lemon and I decided to explain to Christopher why we were eating it. We told him a bit about omega-3s and how great they are for his brain and he WENT FOR IT! So he’s happily eating his salmon and announces, “My can feel my brain growing bigger!”

Also, a couple years ago I got Kit a digital thermometer for meats (but we use it for everything) because his chef hero, Alton Brown, had a great show on it. I cannot tell you what an amazing difference it makes! We WAY overcooked our meat/poultry/fish before we had this thing. Now that we know correct internal temperatures and we only cook to that, the food tastes so different! I think that helps with convincing the kids to eat more protein because meats are now so good. The salmon last night was the most tender, moist, flaky fish I’ve ever had. It works on roasts, turkey (Kit does incredible brined turkey), hams, chicken, steak, fish. Really, it’s a great $20 investment. You just shove the thermometer in and set the alarm for the temperature you want, then it has a cord that stretches outside of the oven and a magnet on the back of the alarm so you can stick it to the outside of the oven and walk away!

This 25 degree weather feels more like Christmas than it did during the 70 degree Christmas we had this year! And since I’m only feeling horribly sick in the evenings, I’m doing some Christmas baking!! I just made toffee, real toffee with equal parts butter and sugar and a candy thermometer, for the first time and I’m so proud. And easy bars (graham cracker crust, coconut, chocolate chips, sweetened condensed milk) and now Kit’s doing chocolate chip cookies with the kids. We were all stunned to hear Moira say, “Chockit chips?” YES! Chocolate chips! We all cheered and congratulated her and she’s now chanting, “chockit, chockit!” She’s so my daughter.

One year ago, for our anniversary timeline, we were dealing with Bennett’s PIE (pulmonary interstitial emphysema.) He was still recovering from his PDA surgery. His lungs were developing rips from being on the ventilator and they were just so fragile and weak and couldn’t handle even the gentle pressure so they were getting holes. He was three weeks old and right around 1 lbs 8ozs. We were taken into the family conference room by his doctor and primary care nurse and given “the talk” about how serious it was and they reviewed treatment options - scary stuff, like collapsing a lung to let the other heal (not an option since both lungs were trashed) and steroids (that can cause brain problems) and chest tubes. None of them were options in his case and the doctor said that left us with our last option - go home and pray. He said he had never seen a case of lungs being as bad as Bennett’s in which he did NOT have to put in a chest tube to drain the air leaking from the lungs into the chest cavity. But Bennett, the miracle baby, had lungs full of holes that somehow managed to hold onto his oxygen and he never needed a chest tube. We told his doctor that if nothing else, we know how to pray. We went home, sent out an e-mail asking for prayers, and ever so slowly Bennett healed. It was scary, but after Bennett’s PDA surgery and the blessing he received, we felt confident that he would survive. I think the doctor was concerned we didn’t understand how serious his condition was but we knew - we just knew that Bennett was being watched over in ways we couldn’t fully understand and we knew we were witnessing miracles.

And now that little miracle is laughing and trying to “walk” around the living room with his big brother’s help.

Read the next post for Christopher’s ridiculously cute comments from all day yesterday.

I have something boiling on the stove and Moira walks towards it. I tell her it’s hot and she needs to scoot back and Christopher, standing in the kitchen, says, “Moira, move back! It’s boiling, hot!” She wanders off and I say to Christopher as I keep working, “That was kind of scary, huh? Hot things are dangerous.” (Moira was never in danger at any point, I just wanted to really drive home that message of being careful near the stove.) Christopher heaves a deep sigh and says, “Yes, that why Moira need a big brother.” I’m grateful she has such a thoughtful one!

Kit here:
Last night Heidi went to a scrapbooking club with her friends and I had the singular pleasure of putting all three kids to bed by myself. Of course, this is no problem at all for a super-dad such as myself. I simply put Toy Story 2 into the VCR and dealt with the kids one at a time.

Bennett went to bed first. He was easy. Bottle and down. Christopher was next — Moira had a long nap earlier. About halfway through the movie Christopher announces, “My tired. My want to lay down.”

“Why don’t you lay down on the couch? I’ll get you a blanket.”

“Okay,” he says, as he climbs up. Seconds later, “Daddy you say you get me a blanket…” I do and he settles down and tries to watch more movie, and I wander off to the kitchen. Not five minutes later, Christopher calls out in a panic, “Daddy! My need help! My have a problem!”

“What’s the problem,” I ask as I come around the corner.

“My eyes are closing, and my need help keeping them open!”

“It’s okay to close your eyes,” I say, even though he’s asleep by the time I finish.

Heidi again:
He’s just full of these things today! Christopher asked me to take a nap with him, something I’ve been waiting to hear for four years now. We’re hanging out in the study and he runs off and comes back with two pillows - both for me! Announcing, “My got you two pillows cuz you pregnant.” Then he comes back with a down comforter and pillow for him. He didn’t actually nap, but it was a nice thought.

I’m still laying here, dreaming of a nap, and Christopher comes back with a little card. We’ve been introducing the concept of money and how it does NOT magically come out of our debit cards. He asks, “My use this card for emergencies?” and I peek to see what card it is. It’s a gift card to Chipotle and I laugh and say, “No, that’s not for emergencies, it’s for burritoes.” He points to the word on the front and insists, “This say ‘emergency’” and I have to disagree, “No, honey, it says ‘Chipotle’!”

Library trip (part IV):
Christopher walked off to the kids’ section while I was at the front desk. I knew where he had gone and followed him, telling him he needed to come back up front because I couldn’t see him and that was scary. He responds, “My was still here. That’s a good thing, right?”

First off, Sesame Street has changed since I was a kid young. It’s less about the characters and relationships in the neighborhood intercut with silly songs and cartoons related to basic learning concepts. It’s more like a skit show under the Sesame Street umbrella. That’s fine, things change, I get used to it.*

There’s this one skit called “Journey to Ernie.” For those unfamiliar, Ernie hides in a blue-screen animated world and Big Bird seeks him. Three tries, and Big Bird always gets it on the third try. Sometimes there are clues. It’s silly, innocuous, and generally harmless, but today was seriously unfair to Big Bird. It was a beach scene, and Big Bird was told, in succession, that Ernie was hiding under something, then under and over something, then under, over and in something. Turns out that Ernie was in a submarine and under the ocean. When Big Bird asks what he was over to satisfy the requirement of the clue, Ernie explains that he’s over a dolphin named Charlie.

There was no way Big Bird could have known that! It was a completely bogus clue! It was totally unfair, and it really bugs me.

*Except for “Elmo’s World.” That’s an experience all its own that has to go.

So talking with someone today, we had the conversation about how far along I was when Bennett was born. I’ve been questioned about this a TON and faced many, many skeptical strangers and doctors and nurses and everyone under the sun. Some hospitals and doctors claim babies under a certain gestational age cannot survive (usually 25 weeks or so) but that’s only because THAT hospital and THAT doctor cannot save a baby under that age. And I’ve spoken with parents that were told there was nothing that could be done for their 24 or 25 weeker and the baby died soon after delivery with absolutely no medical intervention. Every facility has its limits but it’s irresponsible and wrong to tell parents, “Nothing can be done,” when it’s the hospital that is not equipped to save the baby’s life. This thinking is why people have told me my dates were wrong and there is no way Bennett is as young as we claim because he would not have survived, let alone survived with no major disabilities.

However, I’m not claiming Bennett is a 23 weeker - it was the perinatologist and neonatologist that decided his gestational age was 23 weeks and 1 day based on my last menstrual period. They made it official when they wrote up the delivery summary and discharge summary from the NICU. I’m the one claiming Bennett is 22 weeks and 5 days gestation, because my midwife and I reviewed the charts I was meticulously keeping prior to conception based on a whole bunch of things I won’t bore you with but based on that, we established my due date from ovulation (far more accurate) since we know exactly what date things occurred. I had just miscarried, and you can be sure we were watching things very, very carefully. That’s how we know Bennett was 22 weeks and 5 days gestation when he was born. However, we didn’t imagine a few days would make a difference so we went with the LMP date and when they started saying they couldn’t save Bennett until that magic date, we weren’t going to disagree and push that date back even farther. I think we made the right choice.

But I just wanted to clarify that, since many women have no idea when they conceived and pregnancy dating is notoriously inaccurate. Mine was not. Bennett was less than 23 weeks gestation. Even more amazing, I know he’s not the only one. I’ve spoken with another mom that delivered at 22 weeks 4 days based on charting. I’m a skeptic, too, but sometimes these miracles really are that miraculous.

I walked into the kitchen to discover a loaf of bread on the floor and Bennett chewing on the lid of the honey bear while Christopher announces, “My make Moira & me honey sandwiches!” They were happily chewing away on them and after we talked about not leaving honey within Bennett’s reach and bread not belonging on the floor, I congratulated him on doing such a great job being independent - and reminded him that he still has to ask before he helps himself to the kitchen!

I’m putting in a plug for a book I’m reading: Parenting Breakthrough by Merrilee Browne Boyack. It’s so, so good. We’re reading it for book club this month and I just started it today and it’s already changing the way I parent. Seriously! I’ve read dozens and dozens of parenting books and this is my new favorite. Kit & I have already implemented some changes and mostly it focuses on teaching independence so eventually your kids will move out of the house and support themselves and raise their own families. But it’s certainly a struggle for me to learn that it’s not my job to take care of them, it’s my job to teach them to take care of themselves. When they’re little of course we have to provide their care but my oldest is now four years old and I haven’t been teaching him to meet his own needs as much as I could have. This book is GREAT for giving specifics and theories on getting kids to develop those skills and work ethic. She talks about how parenting is so crucial but too often we go into it with no plan - we certainly haven’t written up a “Plan” for goals we hope to meet before our kids leave home. But we want them to know how to change a tire and bake bread and file taxes and vote and make a doctor’s appointment. It seems obvious that if we want them to know those things, it would be a good idea to put those things down on paper and actually work on the goals!

So today we rearranged the kitchen and Christopher now has a shelf of healthy food choices within reach and when he said he was hungry, we walked him through the process of learning to make his own sandwich, then clean up afterwards. He was so excited and confident and proud! You can see his pride in his work. Afterwards I started putting away the food and caught myself - he’s big enough to clean up after himself, so I reminded him that before we eat, we clean up our mess and he jumped up and did it. I like that the book stresses we need to remember this is a training program, it’s on-going, and we all need reminders as we learn so these as learning opportunities. We talked with Christopher about what we’re doing and explained our goal is to help prepare him to go to college, serve a mission, be a good husband and daddy. I think that was too abstract for him and we discovered a much more realistic goal for him is to be like his big cousin Nick (his only older boy cousin) and that motivated him! He wants to be like Nick, so he’s excited to learn these skills. I want to latch onto that enthusiasm for learning chores while he still has it because I know it will wane with time!

There are also great chapters on kids developing emotional and spiritual maturity and independence so they have the confidence and testimony to stand up to peers and society when it’s not right. Really, really good - about setting a visual and verbal example and helping them feel the spirit. That they need to see us pray and see us live our lives with integrity and know what we believe. We talked with Christopher before about feeling the spirit and it’s such a special feeling when he spontaneously tells us after family prayer, “My feel the spirit! It feel warm and cozy.” Today he said the spirit feels like cuddles! I’m so thankful he’s having these experiences and really thankful I found this great, inspiring book!