Emiline is one month old today! And to remind us of how wonderful our life is and how blessed we are (despite my very whiny post below Kit’s post) - she started smiling today! Actually started smiling during the middle of the night, at about 4am. You can tell she’s still refining the process because when you smile at her, she knits her brow and starts to make these really funny contortions with her lips and then she gets the smile and her eyes light up. She has a beautiful smile.

And she does have a dimple!

I’m a madman.

For the years since I’ve been a father, my sleep has been poor. In five years, I’ve gone from 7-8 hours a night to a point where I can’t seem to stay asleep for more than five hours. If I’m actually in bed longer than six hours these days, it does more harm than good: I’m sluggish for the rest of the day and my back will be killing me.

But it’s not that bad, or hasn’t been in the past. When we went to the birth center, the nice friend who came over to watch our kids had to get up early to do something, and she asked for an alarm clock. We had to go hunt one down. We haven’t had a need for an alarm clock since we’ve been married. We never have to get up for anything. We’ve been so sleep deprived for so long that when church moved to 8 AM, we didn’t have to discuss that if we actually slept in past the cavalcade of children so long that we were late for church, then so be it — we obviously needed the sleep. Sleep experts call this “free running sleep,” and we’re big fans of it here.

Emy’s been a challenge, but it’s good to report that she’s been sleeping for longer stretches at a time, eating longer, and her tummy is far less sour than it has been now that Heidi’s been on her dairy fast for about a week. It’s getting better with Emy.

Bennett is another matter.

Since Emy’s been home his sleep has been getting steadily worse. He wakes numerous times during the night and then he stays awake. The only thing that will calm his is for me to hoist him up on my shoulder and soothe him back down. This usually takes thirty minutes, but our record is two nights ago when it took me nearly three hours to get him back down. Bennett won’t let Heidi comfort him — she tried several times, bless her. That’s okay, though. She still needs her sleep to take care of Emy.

The short of it is that since I’m only getting three to four hours of sleep a night anyway, and never all at once, I’m going to try for a polyphasic sleep schedule.

I’m insane.

The way I figure it, if I can spread out my sleep across the day in a series of more or less organized naps, I can stay refreshed and functional for the family at least until we figure out a remedy for Bennett’s freaky sleep patterns of late. From what I read, I’m going to have to watch my fatty food intake - try to cut out any unnecessary fats from my diet entirely, in fact. I also may burn out rather quickly. Then there’s the off chance that I’ll throw myself into cycling again. Heidi’s concerned about this one the most, I think. I tell her it won’t happen, and it won’t: I have a family to take care of. A relapse into active rapid cycling just simply isn’t an option for me.

My thinking goes like this: I’m not getting sleep anyway. As long as I keep trying, however, I’m inevitably going to remain tired still, but then I’m cranky because I’m being deprived of a perceived need, and in the middle of the groggy night, I end up taking it out on the kids — irrationally grumpy and grumbly; you should hear my late-night growl. In the event I get sleep, I pass out and sleep so deeply that I’m useless to Heidi. So the only other option is to embrace the sleeplessness as cheerfully as possible. So, sleep less, space it out, and stay functional.

I’m not doing this so I can stay more alert or get more work done or some equivalent foolishness. I’m doing this so I can be a better husband and father. That has to be worth some modicum of protection. As soon as I figure out a reliable method for Bennett to get lunch and sleep on a daily.

Well, 2:30 AM and I just got Bennett back down again. Time for me to take my nap for the wee hours.

Good night! Wish us luck.

Okay, so sleep… thinking about it since we’re obviously not getting it and I’m typing with a restless Emiline on my lap that I can’t lay down or she vomits. (I ate cheese last night.) I just read a book - Sleepless in America - by the woman that wrote the Spirited Child book (LOVE that one.) Great book, the sleep one, but deeply depressing. Her explanation of how important sleep is, how most of us aren’t getting enough, how we need to restructure our lives to get more, and how to do it. It just makes me want to cry because I’m convinced and I have no way to make it happen.

Each of our kids has presented a challenge as a baby - with Christopher it was sleep (though dairy was a close second.) Moira has been the apraxia related stuff. Bennett was the early arrival. Emiline has been the nursing, and I sure hope this is as tough as it gets with her. Honestly, the sleep was hardest for me to cope with. I need sleep, I miss sleep, I crave sleep, I daydream about sleep. I told Kit if I ever run away that he should check local hotels because I will be asleep in one of them. Some place with those super lined drapes that block out all light and the hum of the air conditioner and the fluffy pillows and big soft comforter…

The reality is that even if we were to somehow pass off our children so that we could go somewhere and sleep, we face two problems - our bodies are so conditioned to NOT sleep that we wake up every couple hours. And second, if we were to get some sleep it would give us a taste of how wonderful it is and then we would be that much more devastated to return to the world of the non-sleeping. I’ve spent three nights away from all of my children before (we won’t count the nights on bed rest while I lived at the hospital because every few hours they had to come in and make sure Bennett was still alive which of course woke me up because they had to wrap straps around my big belly, or the weeks I spent at the Baylor hotel while Bennett was in the NICU because I had to nurse every 3 hours) - one night for a sleepover with friends and two nights for Christine & Brian’s wedding in Utah. Even going to sleep embarrassingly early for a sleepover, I still woke up during the night and at 6am was wide awake. And the night before the wedding I was staying with Christine and we were up with pre-wedding excitement and talking and the next night I went to bed early but had to be up at 5am for my flight…

So I can honestly say that since my third trimester with Christopher (5 years ago this month) I have not slept for more than 4 consecutive hours a night. I get more than 4 hours of sleep usually, maybe 3 hours then another 3 hours or 4 hours then a couple more hours. But I have not slept more than 4 straight hours in 5 years. And even worse, I know it’s going to take me weeks of having that opportunity before my body will relax enough to let it happen - before I would stop waking up out of habit.

This will also not happen if I am pregnant, nursing, or have a toddler in the house. Or any of my children, I suspect. Christopher, the child I believed would never sleep, is now my best sleeper. There is hope. Well, in theory there is hope but in reality I’m beyond feeling hope and am wading around in despair. But objectively, I have been pregnant and/or nursing since December of 2000 (except for the months after our two miscarriages, so maybe 3 months total. That means for 5 1/2 years I’ve had some physical reason making it virtual impossible to sleep through the night. BUT that means when Emiline weans that maybe, just maybe, I could get some sleep? If I thought weaning her now would in any way help make that sleep happen then I would be on my way to buy some formula and ear plugs. But she still needs to get up and eat, formula or breast, and Bennett is getting up (another issue) and Kit, as amazing as he is, cannot take care of them both by himself all night… (go check out the gallery to see something on that.)

I have fallen asleep in the shower. Moira’s speech therapy is less than 1/10 of a mile from our house and I found myself dozing on the drive home. If we hold still too long, we fall asleep. I have no idea how Kit is even walking because he’s getting less sleep than me. I have to laugh about this because it’s surreal. And completely self inflicted. We have to smile at each other and say, “Remember, we chose this!” And we did. It’s a blessing, we adore each of them, we felt really good about spacing the kids like this, we KNEW we would get no sleep for a long, long… long time. It’s okay. It’s worth it. Keep telling me that, okay??

I’ll tell on Bennett tomorrow, Emiline is starting to settle down so I’m going to BED!

Emiline is 4 weeks old today and weighed in at 8lbs 10ozs. She’s getting rolls in her thighs. Her hair has not fallen out yet, much to our surprise, and she has more than any of our other kids did. And to my delight, I discovered she has a dimple! I hope it stays.

We suspect Emy has mild reflux (like Mo, but Moira’s was worse though she thankfully outgrew it) and a dairy sensitivity (like Christopher.) I’ve cut out all dairy (except butter because I’ve not given up my cookies yet and I bake those with butter.) Within four days she’s stopped screaming hysterically in pain, she’s had way fewer dirty diapers, and her sad red diaper rash has almost disappeared. With Christopher it was vomiting, diapers, rash, and congestion - and the screaming in pain. Emy’s vomiting less but we’re also doing stuff to help with the reflux so I don’t know how much is that and how much is dairy. But the drop in screaming and diapers has been dramatic enough that I’m going to wait unless before trying dairy again to confirm that’s what this was. I’ve talked with lactation people and doctors and such, and from what they’ve said and I’ve read on line it’s a sensitivity to the milk protein (not lactose, which is also in my milk no matter what) so lactose-free milk won’t help since that’s sugar instead of protein. I’m going to experiment with yogurt and cheese and such in a few weeks.

We caught this much more quickly - both Emy & Critter had this set in at 3 weeks (when in theory all babies enter a fussy period) but I think Christopher was 6 weeks old before we tried the dairy fast. (He couldn’t tolerate milk until he was 2 years old.) Emy also started the screaming at 3 weeks and I cut out dairy right away and by this weekend she was acting different. Maybe coincidence, but so long as she’s not sobbing and choking herself from crying so hard then we’re happy. You can read more about the dairy thing at this website:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/t051300.asp

The protein is called beta-lactoglobulin and it’s found in many mammals milk, but not humans. It is found in the breastmilk of moms that consume dairy.

“Suspect sensitivity to formula or to something in your breastmilk if any of the following ring true:

Baby’s pain escalates within an hour after feeding.
Baby seems gassy or bloated, rather than contented, after feeding.
Baby spits up profusely soon after feeding.
Baby begins to nurse or bottlefeed, but keeps pulling off, crying as if he’s in pain. (The irritated gut starts churning during a feeding, which can make feeding time torturous for the allergic, yet hungry, baby and frustrating for mothers.)
Baby has constipation or diarrhea.
Baby’s bowel movements are extremely watery, mucousy, or explosive.
Baby shows the “target-sign”: a red, circular rash around the anus, caused by the skin reacting to irritants in his feces.”

I wonder if that’s legal for me to copy from another website? Hmm…

Kit ran to the store and in the 20 minutes he’s been gone Christopher has been cracking me up. First was when he got frustrated at Moira and I heard him say firmly, “MOIRA CHRISTINE PIERCE!” Then it was, “Mom… is it fun to get married and get babies?” I was fast forwarding a Discovery special on babies… I tried to clarify and ask if he meant actually having the baby? Like labor? And he said, “Yeh, making the baby and getting the baby out. Is it fun?” I just said yes. And smiled. He then asks, “What about the pain?” (Knowing full well that Mommy wasn’t acting too amused by some of those contractions before Emy was born.) I said it’s wonderful and fun to have babies, even if it hurts. And as I type this, he’s trying to watch his show and Mo is asking questions, to which he tells her, “You asking too many questions I don’t have the answers to and I’m trying to watch!”

Wow, I have to add to this already - he’s trying to find a word: “You know, those things you put on your nurses, the white thing with straps goes over your shoulder? ” (With all our nursing madness around here, this is something he’s gotten to know.)

“You can still dance without your clothes on!”

I should explain that one. We’re letting the kids watch way too much PBS Kids right now but the policy has always been you must get up and dance during any songs. (Make sure their brains and bodies have not lapsed into permanent couch potato status.) Now it’s become their ritual, and if they are in the other room they come running to dance like wild children when their hear a song. Moira was using the ladies’ room and hears a song and started to freak out! She frantically washes her hands and dashes out of the room then realizes she’s bare bottomed. More yelping. That’s when I told her the above, happy to let her clothe her bum after the song ended because if it stopped before she was dancing, we would have a problem. Thankfully we managed to both get dressed and dance. Disaster averted.

“I wonder if the Blue Bell ice cream truck with sandwiches will be in heaven?”

Christopher, at Family Home Evening tonight, as we discussed heaven and the resurrection and important stuff like ice cream.

(And I am still nursing. On new antibiotic for the mastitis infection that will not die, on another med for the thrush that always accompanies antibiotic use. And just to keep things interesting, it would appear Emy has reflux AND a dairy sensitivity. So I’m on the dairy fast now to see if that helps.)

(Pictures in Gallery)

Things I honestly never imagined saying as I stood over the bed of my itty bitty preemie that was too fragile for me to touch - but how lucky am I to be able to say these things?? (Oh, and these are all things I’ve said TODAY!) -

Bennett, get out of the dishwasher (dryer, fridge, cabinet, broiler drawer, toilet, or fireplace. Insert any of them.)

Do NOT sit on your sister’s head! Babies are not for sitting on! (He was trying to back up and sit on her, he didn’t make it.)

Please stop yelling! You’re scaring Emy.

Leave the laptop alone!!

Get off the table.

Don’t throw that away!

Do NOT pull Moira’s hair!

Don’t tackle your brother. Guys, get off of Christopher! (Moira & Bennett literally tackled Christopher to the ground. Moira was pinning his legs, Bennett was on his head. Actually, it’s happening right now and Bennett is sitting on Christopher’s back.)

He let me cuddle with him today (a rare treat) and I suddenly remembered how I craved to hold him for all those weeks he was on the high frequency vent, or how painful it was to lose the chance to hold him again while he was in the PICU. I could cover his entire body with my two hands back then, and he was as light as a feather. Just over 2 pounds when we first held him. Now he stretches from my shoulder to past my hips and his weight wears my arms out quickly. He’s so full of energy that he rarely slows down for a cuddle. He thinks he’s a big kid. It’s bittersweet.

I’m running to the bathroom and ask Christopher to “watch Emy” and he gets all excited and runs to her side and holds her hand, then asks me as I walk away, “Can I have a bottle of breast milk in it in case she get sad?” I come out and she’s crying and he says, “You need to nurse her, she crying a lot. I told you I need a bottle just in case.”

The last two visits at the birth center Christopher has cracked up my midwife. First was when Mo was sobbing and he says with exasperation, “She hysterical!” The four year old, speaking of the three year old… next was when I told him no about something and he flops down on the couch and says, “This not my day!”

Read this happy post I wrote a couple days ago, then I’ll update with today’s news:

I’ve been waiting to see if it lasted before I said anything, but it’s been two days - and I’m nursing! On both sides! And it doesn’t hurt so much that I cry! We’re still working through some issues, I’m still on meds and such, but no more pumping and bottles and nursing and pain! HOORAY!!! I have hope that we can survive this. However, starting at 4pm yesterday Emiline decided to nurse EVERY SINGLE HOUR ALL NIGHT LONG. I’m telling myself it’s the 3 week growth spurt so I don’t lose my mind in fear that this will be a new trend. I kept thinking she couldn’t possibly be hungry again and trying to ignore her little squeaks and stirring but then she would start crying and I would let her latch on and she would act starved and really nurse. Hmmm….

And, things I have discovered I can do while nursing Emiline:

Put on Moira’s shoes.
Brush Christopher’s teeth.
Carry a stroller in from the garage.
Pour a sippy cup for Bennett.
Hold Bennett in one arm, nurse using the other.
Read my scriptures AND be able to make notes/underline.
Read stories to the older three kids.

So update - that growth spurt? Meant the next day I was super engorged. Which meant last nigh at about 4am I confirmed, much to my horror, that I had once again developed mastitis. I saw my midwife today (and managed to NOT cry in her office, which seems to be a trend of mine lately - crying, that is.) I’m on a new, stronger antibiotic because we think the last one didn’t kill it so as soon as I was off it the infection leapt back up. And I’m on the thrush stuff, too, because we’re still having some painful latch/thrush issues. Right now the worst thing I can do is wean because then I risk a breast abscess (I won’t explain that, better you not know) so I must work through this. While I love my midwife, these weekly visits for breast horror are not fun - she’s very supportive and encouraging but told me I’m not going to be able to beat this if I don’t get some rest. Ha. Ha. Ha. Kit’s as run down as I am so we’re just at a loss.

Bennett had his vision in-take this morning and it was really depressing. This was just initial questions and then we schedule his actual assessment, then if he qualifies (and I suspect he does) then we do his plan with goals and determine how often he’ll have services.

We know Bennett’s vision is bad but like all kids, he compensates so well that it’s hard to tell. We’re starting to notice issues - the squinting, mainly. He stands really close to things, he seems to concentrate hard when trying to pick things up. She asked questions that we didn’t realize were related - does he squint when he goes into the sun or a bright room? (Emily will laugh at that.) Does he recognize faces. A lot of things we won’t know more until he’s verbal and can tell us.

She let us know about resources we’ll want to check out and shared stories about some other kids and ways they’ve made adjustments. Which is great, but that was also the depressing part. Large print books, reader programs for when his eyes are too tired, working with him to process what he’s hearing (since he’ll have to become an auditory learner, visual won’t be an option!) and special note takers, braille overlays for computer keyboards. Until today we had not even considered - how are we going to find large print books for him? She said before third grade, or about 8 years, most books are large print so it’s less of an issue but the thought that popped into my head was, “How can he learn to love reading as much as we do if it hurts his eyes to read? If he can’t clearly see the words? How is he going to read Harry Potter and fall in love with literature if he can’t see?” That’s what popped into my head. Harry Potter!

Then she told us about playground issues - kids that need to wear helmets while on monkey bars or in gym class because they are at high risk for retinal detachment. I’m not sure how a helmet protects your eyes - maybe protects your head from a hard enough bang to detach the retinas? Bennett’s surgeon told us he’ll need to wear protective eye gear for ANY sport he’s involved in but he cannot do contact sports. Again, until today I did not really think about that. I thought it would be no big deal, so he won’t play football or baseball. But no contact sports - not even on the playground as a six year old. No dodge ball, no tennis, no basketball after scouts with the deacons when he’s 12 and hanging out at church, no crazy contact stuff at camp, no soccer league, no volleyball at ward parties. The doctor said he can swim, or bike. How do you explain something like this to a little kid? I almost started crying thinking about it.

I’m really praying that Bennett will realize on some level what a miracle he is. I hope we’ve recorded enough of his first year of life for him to grasp that he’s survived and endured so much and we’re unbelievably grateful to have him here. As much as I wish I could take away some of the trials he’s still going to face, I know he’s strong enough to handle them and I hope we can have a positive attitude and perspective - so that he feels thankful for the vision he does have, and not unhappy for the limits he may experience.

So if anyone has any ideas on where to find large print books for kids, let us know! I want to keep an eye out now so we can start building a library for him. Kit’s going to work on finding good computer programs and fun educational games. Any resources at all for visually impaired children, let us know. Thank you!

All four of our kids have a little dimple on their spine (which can be a sign of something bad, or just genetic.) All have clogged tear ducts (two needed probing) and all have a stork’s bite on the back of their neck. All have those same big, beautiful brown eyes. All have this ligament running from the inside of their top lip to their gums, through their two front teeth (though Christopher snapped his with a “trauma surgery” as the dentist put it.) They all have an unusually high palate (which was good for Bennett!) Three out of four so far have needed speech therapy - the therapist offered to just start Emiline’s evaluations now. Funny seeing the similarities in them.

Bennett did something to his eye, we have no idea what, but now the white of his eye is covered in bright red blood and it’s spreading upwards. We had him seen at urgent care and they said it’s essentially a bruise and will fade over the next couple weeks. They verified it’s not affected his retina or the inside of his eye, but we’re still considering taking him in to see his pediatric opthamologist. The danger of having a preemie is that even when a doctor gives you their professional medical opinion, you still question them. And it wasn’t some random doctor, it was a pediatrician at an urgent care clinic specifically for kids. But Kit and I both immediately said, “Well, she’s not a pediatric EYE doctor.” Or when we’re in the ER and they are looking at his chest x-ray and give their opinion and I still ask to see the film myself and get a copy because they aren’t his pulmonologist and they haven’t seen his other x-rays so they don’t know what’s “normal” for him so I want HIS doctor’s opinion. I guess in many ways it’s good to question the doctors but it also gets tiring because you feel like the list of people you trust for medical advice is pretty short and you can’t always have access to them.

I did the math, I get 3 chunks of sleep a night, 2 hours each. Nurse, sleep, nurse, sleep, nurse a million times and stay awake for 3 hours until I give up and hand her to her Daddy, then Mommy sleeps. I think Kit’s getting even less sleep than me.

With great fear and hesitation, we started nursing again on the bad side (with mastitis and much ugliness) and I didn’t cry! It’s sore and we’re still not sure if that’s latch or thrush, but we’re nursing again on both sides. Which is good because we’re pretty sure the bottles are making Emy gassy and she’s pretty miserable. Hopefully nursing again will fix that, as a sobbing baby is not fun. And Emiline is LOUD. We forgot how loud a baby cries when they have lungs! It really is wonderful to hear, but I don’t think the other kids appreciate being woken up.

Bennett crawled into bed today while I was holding Emy and just sat there watching her (an improvement over him pretending she’s not there and trying to sit in my lap on top of her) and then started to stroke her stomach so softly. It was sweet to watch him being gentle with her. He’s not generally rough with her, but he’s decided now that I have a lap back that he wants to sit in it, and since it’s often occupied, he’s getting creative with crawling OVER Emy (as I nurse) to lay his head on my shoulder (while I hold him up with my free arm to keep him from resting his rear on her) or he’ll walk backwards up to me and then just plop in my lap and lean his back against her. He hasn’t hurt her yet but this is a bit of a challenge to hold two babies. We’re learning to get creative.

Week 2 pictures are up in the gallery.

Driving to the birth center we were listening to They Might be Giants and Christopher, after hearing the Constantinople/Instanbul explanation asks, “So could we call it Christopherinople?”

Emiline has decided to chunk up! She was weighed on Monday (when I had my hysterical nursing break down visit with my midwife) and again today - she’s gained 11 ounces in 5 days! That’s wonderful, she’s now 8lbs. She only needed to gain back her birth weight, so I’m thrilled that despite our nursing woes she’s gaining so well. (And we are still nursing, still on antibiotics, still pumping on one side but nursing okay on the other. We’ve not given up yet.)

Kit’s gone back to the office today - he’s been going in for a couple hours here and there, or for 4 hours when I had someone to stay with me. This will be the first time he goes for a full (half) day and I’m home with the four kid alone. As Kit was telling the kids good-bye, Christopher was informing him that he needs to bring one of the kids to the office with him, “To make it easier on Mommy to take care of the kids.” We’re trying to convince Christopher that despite the last two weeks (and the months before hand of me “taking it easy”) of Mommy getting lots of extra help taking care of them, I am now up to the job of keeping all four kids safe and fed and cared for all by myself. I may need to be convinced of that myself but I have hope! We can do this!