Bennett owns a pulse ox. Owns, because he rented it for so long that the medical supply people said we own it. It’s been sitting under our bed for the last two years. The last time he used it was April or May 2006 (isn’t it great I can’t remember when??) during his lovely fever spike. He was breathing really hard and concerned us enough that we pulled out the pulse ox and hooked him up, saw his sats sucked and headed off to the ER. We owned the pulse ox but I guess we didn’t rent the oxygen concentrator long enough to own it. So we had no oxygen in the house, thus the ER trip. Which is a shame because the ER always freaks out way more than we do (even when we SHOULD be freaking out, like when he turned blue during the RSV lung collapse and I didn’t call 911? The nice ambulance guys gave me a hard time about that. Anyway, back to the story.)

We own this lovely little piece of hardware and I don’t want it around anymore. Though I threatened to hook Emy up to it when she had bad reflux and we let her sleep on her stomach. Her pediatrician didn’t like the tummy to sleep thing (I agree, don’t let your baby sleep on their stomach, disregard what I do as a parent) but there was no way I was going to make her reflux worse by making her sleep on her back. We were already disregarding the SIDS warning by sleeping with her in our bed (again, don’t come to me for parenting advice, the APA and I don’t always get along.) So I did offer to keep her on the pulse ox while she tummy slept if that would make her doctor feel better. Doctor wasn’t amused, sometimes us preemie parents have twisted senses of humor.

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I’m almost set to have a baby!! Not time-wise, not ready for another 3 months, but prep-wise I’m ready!

I still need to do the grocery trip to do the meals for after the baby comes. But today we made our special trip to buy chux pads (which is not what they are actually called, but we found them) and I decided after having to buy depends for our last birth I really had NO qualms about buying chux pads. And to think as a teenager I cringed to buy tampons? HA! (You don’t really want to know why but you’re wondering why Depends, right? So if/when water breaks in early labor - or late labor, or whenever - you can put them on and keep walking around and not worry about it. My water broke at home with Emy so I must admit they were very handy getting me to the birth center and while I was there until I hopped in the tub. Then postpartum I have friend swear they are the best, way better than postpartum stuff the hospitals give you. And since I won’t be at the hospital, we need to pick up our own supplies. )

Anyway, that means here is the little that remains on our pre-birth shopping list:

- bendy straws (for drinks during labor)

- a baby book, I’m not finding anything I adore yet but my one requirement is it has to be 12×12 because all the other kids had that size for their first year album.

- a photo box to hold baby memorabilia (like this but not so expensive and not necessarily in baby colors - C & B have green and blue ones, the girls have matching pastel ones. And I can’t tell you a color for this baby or it will give it away, I just need to find something neutral to hold the ultrasound video, little hat, first outfit, etc.)

- drinks and snacks for those attending the birth (so if you are coming, you can put in your drink and food request) but I’m thinking for my early labor project I’ll be making food. I show love through food. Anyhoo, here is what I’m planning: fresh fruit & veggies with dip (homemade ranch dip and the marshmallow cream/cream cheese fruit dip), cheeseball with dill & walnut and crackers, juice, water, and sparkling cider (for after birth, of course!) some homemade granola bars (peanut butter chocolate chip for kids, cranberry almond coconut for others, and muffins (not sure what kind?) and sandwich stuff (for delivery & after) so rolls, lunch meat & cheese, lettuce & tomatoes, etc. Not that I’m going to make all of that right before delivery, but we’ll buy it and I’ll prep what I can in advance and maybe assemble some in early labor. (Seriously, if you’re coming to the birth then let me know snacks you like and your favorite drink - not that it’s going to be long, but you never know. Better safe and well fed than marathon labor and I have no refreshments!) And anything not eaten is a handy dandy food source for postpartum. Plus the kids are going to bake the baby’s birth day cake, I think we decided on chocolate.

I love it, I feel so prepared! I’ll have to take pictures of all our cute stash of stuff. Well, not that newborn diapers and breast pads are really cute, right? But seeing the tiny newborn hats and onesies was fun again. I need to come up with something cute for this poor kid, but I admit it’s nice that it gets easier to prep with each baby. What should I do for the baby? I think the name on the blanket thing, but that has to wait of course. What’s something special we can do/get/make for this baby so it doesn’t feel completely overlooked in the menagerie of our home? (Like me saying that in this blog is going to make the child feel so special. I’m sorry, Mojo, we do love you very much. Really, even if you are baby #5 and not getting anything new that’s just for you. We’ll make up for it in adoring attention from toddlers that will smother and lick you with their love.)

Okay, that was a bad idea - I was looking at the Target website for that photo box and then started looking more and more… I finally just created a registry (they send you coupons for stuff if you register!) but is this not so adorable?? It says on it “Miracle n. 1: unexplained by the laws of nature 2: admiring awe”

I shouldn’t have started looking because now I’m finding stuff going, “OH, don’t we need that??” Well, some is totally boring but I found cute stuff we don’t really need but FUN! Luckily most of it is on-line only so I can’t impulse shop it the next time at the store. I should probably just avoid stores in general right now, huh?

4 cups flour
4 t. baking powder
3/4 t salt
1/4 b soda
2 beaten eggs
1 c sugar
1/4 c oil
1 t vanilla
1 c buttermilk
oil for cooking

(Kit says add a pinch of nutmeg, too.)

Stir dry ingredients. Beat eggs & sugar in separate bowl until thick & lemon colored, then add vanilla and oil. Add dry ingredients and buttermilk alternately into the egg mixture, beginning and ending w/dry ingredients. Beat just until blended. Roll dough onto lightly floured surface to half an inch thick. Cut with floured donut cutter (we used biscuit then poked a hole.) Allow doughnuts to stand for few minutes before frying to allow thin crust to form. Fry in deep oil at 375 degrees (we used meat thermometer to check oil temp) for about 1.5 minutes on each side or until golden brown. (Be careful, they do take a bit to cook through.) Drain on paper towels, cool slightly and dust with sugar, powdered sugar, or glaze. Would also be very yummy with jam.

Makes 2 dozen donuts, about 7 grams of fat each. You didn’t really want to know that but it was included with the recipe.

(I’m trying to type up some of our favorites so Kit can easily find them when he wants them, instead of searching through our cookbooks. And since this is our family journal, when we finally print and bind the blog it will be nice for the kids to have these family recipes.)

OH, and we use buttermilk for a lot but I imagine if you don’t have it (and you can make your own I think with milk and lemon juice?) then I’m sure you could use sour cream or yogurt or some such dairy.

I am a broken record. Scratched cd? Skipping iPod. I’m something.

Get dressed. Put your pajamas away. Sit crisscross (Mo W sits and we constantly have to remind her to stop.) Wipe your nose. Cover your cough. Don’t wipe your nose on your shirt. Put your toys (books, clothes, stuff) away before getting out more. Do your chores. Clear your dishes. Load your dishes. Wash your hands. Stop taking Bennett’s glasses (Emy is such a glasses snatcher! It’s constant!) What do you say? (Thank you or please reminder.) Don’t pick up Emy. Don’t pick up Bennett. DON’T COLOR ON THE FLOOR (wall, hearth, table, etc, etc, etc. I hide the crayons, HOW DO THEY FIND THEM??) Use your words. Ask for help. Use a complete sentence. GET OFF THE COUNTER. Get out of my bathroom. Get out of my drawer. DON’T FLUSH THINGS DOWN THE TOILET!! Hang up the phone. Close the door before the toddlers escape. Don’t whine. PUT DOWN THE SCISSORS! (Again, how do they find these things??)

It’s only 8:24am and I’m already exhausted. Well, I did walker farther than normal this morning but still. I’m emotionally tired.

I will remember that my children are all really, really young. Even if there are 4.5 of them. If Christopher was my only child I would realize how very little he still is and I would expect less of him, but since he’s the oldest of almost 5 I have tend to assume he can do a lot more that’s not always age/developmentally appropriate.

It takes YEARS to train and guide these kids, right? It’s not an overnight thing, just because I said, “Use a tissue!” twelve bazillion times yesterday does not mean it’s going to be remembered today. And if I assume they’ll remember all the time, I’m going to set myself up for frustration. I don’t remember things all the time, and I’m way older than them. This is our training stage of life - I’m helping them establish good habits and that’s going to take a long, long time. There is no quick fix, right? I need to anticipate that every single day I am going to be teaching and reminding these things until they become second nature to them.

And I have to say that the kids really are amazing about remembering a LOT of things. Their chores, clearing dishes, being kind, please and thank you, doing lessons, cleaning up after themselves. Most of the time they remember so much that the few things they forget I am surprised by. I expect a lot of them because they do a lot and today I need to remember to back off a bit and remember they are still really little kids that the vast majority of the time do impress me with their great memories and their politeness and skills.

It’s the same way with lessons. Christopher and Moira grasp concepts so quickly that when they don’t get something right away I’m left floundering a bit. Oh, you mean I have to figure out a better way to help you understand this concept? Usually I can just say, “Hey, this is this,” and they get it. Here’s the definition of an adverb and it sticks in Christopher’s brain. But I have to be careful because when he needs to work harder at something he seems a bit surprised and sometimes frustrated and I often am left wondering what other approach to use. So much comes easily to them - I shouldn’t take that for granted, it’s not always going to be so easy and I need all of us to be willing to stick to things and make them work, especially when it does not come quickly.

Like raising kids. It’s not easy, it’s going to take awhile for me to get the hang of it and that’s okay. This is worth doing right. Right?

And as always, more yard pictures up on school blog. One of these days we’ll check out the local parks more but we’re still discovering our own yard.

You wondered if I was going to go an entire day without blogging, huh? Wondered if something had happened, our internet exploded, something crazy because Heidi is being uncharacteristically quiet? Or wondered if your RSS feed was broken, eh?

Nope, I blogged this morning but made it private because I realized it was pretty personal and hard to explain in writing without being completely or partially misunderstood and possibly hurtful and I didn’t want to be hurtful. So I hid it. But rest assured, I blogged.

AND exciting, tonight we fed the missionaries dinner and no one ended up in the ER! You can sign up to feed them on their handy calendar and it’s a nice way to serve them, let the kids have a chance to spend some time with missionaries from the church, I’m sure help their budget a bit (since missionaries for our church are paying their own way) and save them the time of preparing their own meals which gives them a bit more time to focus on work. They probably eat healthier this way, too. I know how college aged guys & girls often eat when they are rushed. It’s not good.

But why the ER connection? We didn’t feed the missionaries while I was on bedrest/Bennett was in the NICU. Then when we moved and he was home we signed up to feed them and guess where we landed? The ER and the PICU. Hmm… so we waited to sign up again for almost a year, decided to get Ben off oxygen and let life calm down. Sign up again and what happens AGAIN? You guessed it, another ER trip. I cannot remember if it was Christopher with the broken foot or Bennett inhaling popcorn and needing the chest x-ray or it may have been when he was 105 fever and needed O2? I can’t remember, but I do remember feeling bad and still making the missionaries dinner and picking them up somewhere (it was sisters, not elders) and bringing them home and giving them the dinner.

So after TWO hospital trips when planning to feed the missionaries we decided we were cursed and gave up. But I decided it was time to try again and we did it! We told the missionaries the story over dinner and they asked if we were scared to have them. Actually it was a lovely visit, the kids really had fun talking with the missionaries and hearing about how far they ride their bikes, and we had a delicious meal. Kit made it all so I could visit with my friend over this afternoon - homemade pizza, tossed salad, breadsticks with his homemade spaghetti sauce for dipping, and chocolate chip cookies. The pizza crust and cookies both made with wheat flour. It was very yummy and I was happy to see the missionaries take seconds (when we assured them they should eat more.)

We hope to be healthy enough to keep this up every month, we already planned a few more meals the kids want to feed them. The curse has been lifted…

Kit posted some interesting info on a science award over on the school blog.

Wait, did I mention how Emy is obsessed with the potty chair (she doesn’t use it, but she likes to sit on it - only wants to use the big toilet) but she brought it from the bathroom out to the sunroom where we were with the missionaries. I tried to subtly remove it and she ran after me screaming, “MY POOP, MY POOP!” Yep, that’s even better than when we were feeding the elders back when Christopher was almost a year old and he walked over to me (remember, he walked at 9 months) and tried to pull my shirt up to nurse. In front of the elders. I tried to subtly deflect his attempts to strip me and I doubt they noticed but I was embarrassed. This is why we have children. They keep us humble.

Emy is 20lbs and will be 20 months this week. Bennett is 3 (39 months this week, but should be one month shy of 3 years old) and he’s 30lbs. Moira is turning 5 this week and is 35lbs. And Christopher is almost exactly 6 1/2 years old, and he’s 35 lbs.

So -
20 month girl - 20 lbs
3 year old boy - 30 lbs
5 year old girl - 35 lbs
6.5 year old boy - 35 lbs

Why is this so funny to me? Kit pointed out that Christopher is several inches taller than Moira but MUCH more physically active. Bennett is super active, too, and he’s only 5 lbs less than the older kids?? I think the younger two are having growth spurts, judging by the violent way they react if we don’t shovel food onto their plates fast enough. But Christopher will try ANY new food, he’s so great about at least trying. Moira is still very “selective” and is just now starting to try bites of stuff that’s new.

Weird. But we knew they would all be on the thinner side, just funny seeing how they are so close in weight, I didn’t think they were THAT close in age.

Oh, but this does mean that Bennett may only get 5lbs in the next 3.5 years. And I won’t freak out, because he’ll be taking after his big brother. That’s strangely comforting, I’ll be curious to see what he weighs at 6.5 years because this boy can EAT.

Okay, and I have to snicker now because at one point the preemie doctor he sees brought up “failure to thrive” as a diagnosis so we could get a special prescription covered for his formula longer term - the preemie formula, more calories. Just because they’ve found the preemie stuff helps them gain weight better, makes sense. But failure to thrive was written to get it covered, and before he hit 2 years old he was holding his own on the REGULAR growth charts (off the preemie charts) and now he’s rapidly catching up with his older siblings. And they weren’t preemies! And tonight he was refusing to go to bed, insisting he needed ANOTHER bedtime snack (his third) and he wolfed down a banana muffin. (I made them healthy - half applesauce instead of oil and whole wheat flour.) But still, he acts like we don’t feed him, it’s cracking me up! I love it, I really do, but how many sandwiches a day do I let him eat? He’s had three peanut butter sandwiches, and two clementines, a banana, two buttermilk donuts (Kit made them, recipe to follow) and a cheese quesadilla and macaroni and cheese and apple and… you get the point. We have to cut him off after three bananas - we’ve been limiting stuff to threes, then he has to try something new.

I LOVE IT. When he’s 16 and tripling our food budget I may give him a hard time but let me tell you, watching my kids pack away food feels great.

If I leave the living room light off in the mornings, the kids naturally gravitate towards the sunroom (and it’s also the “school” room, I’m sneaky like that) and we get lessons done! But the tv is out of the living room now that Mo’s fever is broken so we’ve removed the temptation. We decided for various reasons that we want to see each day how long we can go without turning lights on in different rooms. See what sort of outdoor lighting we have, save energy, see where the kids tend to gather if we don’t turn on overhead lighting. Interesting - and cost saving - experiment. Of course the rooms shift lighting as the day goes by so fun to see where we are in the morning versus evening.

Mo was miserable right until bedtime and we stuck her in our bed and tried some home remedies and she was able to sleep. I didn’t get sleep, because she is wiggly!! But she slept and I’m happy she was not in pain all night. She’s acting fine this morning, she’s tired.

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Moira woke up Saturday okay (long enough for us to hit Sams super early and choke at the crazy food prices) but was running 103.5 under her arm by afternoon and refusing tylenol. We finally got some into her and she spent the afternoon/evening on the couch. The boys both started hacking quite impressively and I’m not sure if Emy’s faking coughing (she does sound congested?) since she coughs when they cough and then smiles.

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It’s been a rough week, as I complained in this post and I’ve been thinking a lot about coping. Or how I don’t cope, sometimes. And it’s also been discussed on one of my preemie groups.

I didn’t blog when I was on bedrest, nor did we blog in the first couple critical months of Bennett’s NICU stay. We started when Bennett was 2 months old and off the oscillating vent - not because we were avoiding blogging, but because Kit hadn’t mentioned the idea yet and he set it up for us. I have emails from that time period, what we sent out to family and some personal emails I sent to close friends to describe how we were feeling/doing. How we were coping… but our blog was really focused on updates. He weighs this much, is having this surgery, this much oxygen, this challenge. It was the technical stuff, it was not discussing the emotional aspect and the way we were barely surviving, barely keeping our heads above the water and sometimes going completely under and floundering wildly while we felt we were drowning.

So it’s on my mind a lot. HOW DID WE GET THROUGH THAT?? How did we survive in tact? (Do we count as still in tact??) The social worker right after Bennett was born told us the divorce rate among NICU parents was 85%. That’s pretty atrocious. We were told so many statistics, about Bennett’s possibilities. How did we not just collapse in a sobbing heap of exhaustion and despair??

Oh, wait. I did. A lot.

But how are we still standing? Not that I mean in any way to hold us up as an example of NICU coping skills because believe me, I need work on the coping skills. I just wonder why was I not institutionalized? A mom being treated for anxiety BEFORE she went on bedrest with a high risk pregnancy that then landed in the NICU with a 23 weeker? A dad with bipolar disorder? With a one year old and three year old at home to care for? How were we even coherent?? We probably weren’t, huh? But I look at pictures from back then and I see us smiling. I see my kids dressed (though I’m sure that was Aunt Jenny & Kit’s doing, I doubt I dressed them) and I read the emails I wrote or the blog posts. Somehow we kept putting one foot in front of the other. We bought groceries, we paid bills, we attended church, we made cute movies of the kids. Somehow we functioned.

How? That’s what I’m pondering, as I look back on that year of my life. How am I still standing? Me, the one that crumbles into a ball of incapacitation when the anxiety starts to eat my mind.

As Kit said last night, we’re still processing. We’re still trying to sort out what happened. A friend shared an analogy - it’s like getting hit by a truck. And then getting dragged behind the truck. (She was talking about labor, but I think the analogy fits preemie parenting as well.)

I’ve written before on our school blog about burn out and coping ideas I’ve read. Some are good for life in general, not just school related. But I wanted to think about what things helped us get through the 3 months of bedrest/4months of NICU/PICU stay/first year of Bennett’s life. These are mostly spiritual. The friends and family support, the logistical help of meals and babysitting was invaluable, the external help allowed us to focus on our kids and that was a priceless gift… but I’m wondering about the mental/emotional/spiritual side. What kept us going long past the point our bodies were ready to give up? Past the point our fragile mental health would normally have been able to sustain us? Because we were nuts BEFORE this happened, so really… it’s fascinating to me that Kit and I can pass for sane.

In no particular order -

- prayer. And not the down on my knees, formal praying. But the begging, pleading, desperately pouring out my heart and fears and anger and frustrations type of prayer. While in bed, clutching my pregnant belly. While driving to the NICU, while rocking my babies to sleep, while trying to ignore the beeping monitors and ventilator and IVs and trying to see only my son’s incredible spirit in his frail body. Desperate prayer. Over and over, I can still remember a few nights in particular. When I felt completely beyond my ability to handle one more minute of the pain and fear and uncertainty, I was given comfort.

- Priesthood blessings. While pregnant, before Bennett’s surgeries, right after he was born, anytime I felt that my heart was being ripped from my chest and crushed. Feeling Kit’s hands on my head and hearing his voice, feeling the confirmation of the Spirit as I heard those words of comfort and peace and reassurance promised. Recording those words in my journal, clinging to those words while trying to have faith that they would be fulfilled. And seeing them fulfilled - not always in the way I expected, but they have always been fulfilled, no matter how I struggled to believe them. Even now, I remember the words and I am truly stunned to realize they were the truth. I doubted, but those blessings have been fulfilled.

- Scriptures, Kit suggested I write down verses that really spoke to me during Bennett’s pregnancy. About faith and prayer and promises and hope. So I wasn’t taking any time to sit down and read scriptures daily but I had those verses that would come to mind when I most needed them. Certain passages will still leap out at me and they comfort me, as I try to understand what happened. Christ raising Lazarus from the dead. In particular that one comforted me - not that Christ raised the dead because I know he can do that, but everything leading up to it and how Christ wept with them, though he knew Lazarus was about to be raised. That he waited… he did not go and heal Lazarus from the illness, but he waited and the miracle, the witness, was that much greater. I’m not expressing myself well… it really, really impacted me and I pondered that a lot. Why he waited, why he wept, why the Savior chose to do it that way.

- The Infinite Atonement which again, I did not have time to read but had read prior to bedrest. Especially the chapters on “Infinite in Suffering” and “The Blessing of Peace of Mind” and “The Blessing of Succor.” They are not long chapters, but their are full of depth and peace.

- I did not have time to attend the temple for a session but I was able to go for shorter periods of time and do other ordinances. Just sitting in the temple recharged me. Of course, we’re promised it will. We had a neat experience in the temple while pregnant with Bennett and returning there let me reflect on those moments.

- Taking the sacrament. While on bedrest and at the hospital they brought it to me, but being able to go back to church and have those moments of peace and reflection. It was HARD, on so many levels, to go back to church and face the questions and people and the concern was appreciated but often exhausting. To answer the questions when I had no answers. But spiritually, I was grateful to be back.

- Music. My first Sunday back at church the hymn sung was “How Firm a Foundation” and when we sang this one verse I cried. After 3 months of not being able to stand and not sure if Bennett would survive the week, I felt like it was written for me.

“Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.”

Music helped, not just religious music but any song I found comforting and inspiring…

- Listening to General Conference, reading the articles or listening to the talks (which are now available as MP3s on the church website.) I bought them on CD and listened to them as I drove to the NICU to nurse Bennett. I kept the CDs for him, so when he’s older he can hear what was said while he was in the hospital, hear the counsel from our prophet.

- Kit. He was my physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental source of constant support and strength. He’ll disagree, but I cannot think of any moment that he seemed to ever waiver, ever doubt, ever fear after Bennett’s first 24 hours. During that first 24 hours we had some experiences that had us both knocked completely flat in shock and I think during that first day we both were left feeling unsure of what was happening. But with a friend’s help he administered a blessing to Bennett when he was just a day old and when Kit came back from the NICU after the blessing it was like he never again questioned or doubted that Bennett was coming home to us. (In fact, he was so confident about Bennett’s outcome that I remember yelling at him that he was in denial.) We both coped in different ways, and I really worried about how this stress would impact him with the bipolar disorder, but Kit has been our family’s rock.

I wanted to write this in large part because we are still working through this… when Bennett was 10 months old/6 months adjusted we started trying for Miss Emiline. He had literally just come off oxygen so not exactly “stable” yet, but we felt good about trying. Then we had Emy’s anxiety filled pregnancy and she was a model baby in utero but we were juggling so many emotions at once!! Wow, it was nerve wracking. It’s not like we had any idea what challenges Bennett was going to face yet, he was still so tiny. But we felt it was best to have our next baby and here she is (trying to help me type this with her forehead. Thanks, Emiline.) And then after more prayer, we decided to ask for even MORE miracles and blessings and we’ve got Mojo on the way. So really, we’ve not slowed down much to ponder the preemie thing. We talk about it, I blog about it, we read articles on post traumatic stress and we keep each other informed when we’re struggling with the emotions still. We saw a therapist, we try to address the impact prematurity left on us and the other children - besides all the obvious ways it impacted Bennett and the ways yet unknown it will influence his life…

But the wild, wild ride of getting Bennett here began almost 4 years ago (summer of 2004) and he’s now three years old. Wow, I can’t believe it’s been that long! He came home from the NICU 3 years ago on May 17th. The first thing Bennett said this morning was, “I need my helicopter.” I asked where it was and he said, “In my room.” I told him to go get it. Kit made them whirly-copters and Bennett keeps climbing things to try and throw his whirly-copter off of heights. Part of my brain still has not processed that Bennett is here. That sounds bad, but I spent so long preparing to lose him that all these years later I still stare at him and sometimes think, “You are HERE! They said you wouldn’t be, and you’re here!” Generally those moments of reflection only come when he’s asleep because otherwise I’m too distracted by trying to stop him from teaching his baby sister to climb the bunk bed ladder or conspiring to climb the bar stool to get into the top cabinet. Sometimes the life I imagined still comes to mind, in stark contrast to the reality that I am now juggling.

I’m still trying to figure out how to cope. It’s a daily challenge. I’m still trying to figure out how to balance. I get stressed, I yell at my kids, I snap at my husband, I want to run away sometimes. My constant, constant prayer is that I will be more grateful, more aware of my miracles, more appreciative of my family. I fail on a daily basis. Sometime an hourly basis… and then I say a prayer and I try to keep going. I guess that’s how I cope.

This reminded me of our new current policy of keeping the tech at a minimum when the kids are about. It seems to have worked today, too.

I will do better today. (Kit says I’m rebooting. I love my tech geek man.) We moved the tv out of the living room, I went walking this morning - it’s been pretty overcast and rainy lately so I’m not getting much sunshine and I NEED SUNSHINE. I am sensitive to light, I know this, all my major depressions have been in the fall months as the sunlight fades over the year. Postpartum Kit tries to get me outside so I can have some light and fresh air and we hope I can keep walking right through labor, take a week off to recover and then put Mojo in the Ergo and start walking again.

Kit’s going to call from work to check in on me - normally I keep the laptop open and we talk on IM throughout the time he’s gone but the laptop (and toddlers attacking it) is a source of stress. So we’re keeping the laptop hidden under the couch, at least until lessons are done, and we’ll see if that helps me focus better and be less crazy.

And we’ll see if I can resist pulling it out to blog. Or check email. Teaching myself some self control.

Moira has decided the baby’s new nickname is Captain Huggy Face. Two nicknames, both after monkeys. Nice. Sorry, Mojo.

This was my daily quote from Real Simple, credited to Winston Churchill:
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”

So I’m off… I WILL HAVE ENTHUSIASM, even if I’m failing. I will be a kind and patient Momma this morning!! I will remember how much I adore my adorable kids. I can do this!

I blog, I grab the laptop and write these things down to give myself some sense of perspective and to try to cushion the stress and chaos and the negative emotions that come with the territory. I want to immortalize the happiness and laugh at the insanity and try to step back from the frustration and annoyance that I have erupt. My blog helps me filter myself so my kids don’t bear the brunt of the stress that comes with mothering four (and a half) children.

Well, today we erupted and blogging is not helping and Kit’s on his way home right now to rescue the crazy pregnant lady, but I need to help him still get work done this afternoon. And the other house isn’t clean yet, though Kit’s spent days working on getting things moved out and started cleaning and he’s been so wonderful this week.

But I just had an epiphany and it’s this - I AM NOT CUT OUT TO BE A MOTHER!! THIS IS HARD AND I’M NOT A PATIENT PERSON. I cannot drag my big belly (and it’s still relatively small) around this house fast enough to protect these four children from their own antics! I cannot grow enough arms to referee this level of craziness (when they are sick they are all so much less patient with each other.) Bennett grins at me when I stick him back into time out for ripping the top off the loaf of bread I just pulled from the oven, after I specifically told him to NOT TOUCH THE BREAD. He put on an oven mitt before he grabbed the loaf so he didn’t get burned and I guess technically he wasn’t touching the bread, right? His hand was covered? But he just grinned at me when I stuck him in time out and said, “DO NOT TOUCH!”

I am failing at this mom thing. They are all still alive, so that’s something. No serious injuries. But if I had to give myself a grade then today I am failing miserably. I have a really, really bad attitude and I’m feeling like this is futile because no matter how fast I move or what I do to try and avoid major destruction/injury, I feel like I am just not creative enough or energetic enough or patient enough to mother these kids in the way they deserve. They deserve a mom with a better attitude. Not that moms have to be happy all the time, they need to see the spectrum of our emotions.

But clearly I’m not cut out to be a mom. I have no clue what I’m suppose to be. Some profession with lower stress levels and fewer irrational questions and less bodily fluid to clean up and more sleep. But I can’t even think of what that would be.

I love you guys, more than life itself. More than anything you can possibly imagine until you have your own baby in your arms and you realize the world has stopped to focus on this miracle you helped create. But realize sometimes YOU PEOPLE ARE REALLY HARD TO WORK WITH. And there are days, like today, that I know I am not doing my best and I’m not giving my all or even a good portion of my all and I’m just clinging on by a string here and trying to not do any irreparable damage to your psyches when I try to hide from you to steal 12.5 seconds of peace and quiet. Until Christopher kindly reports that Bennett’s dumping his water cup in the toilet and Emy’s taken off her diaper again and then I have to come out and face my life.

(To prove me wrong, right now C and M are reading books, E is sitting next to me eating ice cubes, and B is playing the piano. They do this, they wait until Mommy’s lost her mind completely and then they act really cute. That is why I’ve not called the circus yet.)

I LOVE MY LIFE. I LOVE YOU ALL! But I wish you had a better mother. Sorry. You can have your therapists bill me directly.