What we think.
July 22nd, 2008 by Heidi“We become what we think about all day long.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
The power of the words we tell ourselves all day long… and why I’m trying so hard to make sure I’m surrounding myself with positive birth stories, inspiring friends, and encouraging words.
Kit and I have both observed that we hit 37 weeks (and got news of our little chunk-o-baby) and there’s a HUGE, huge weight off our shoulders. It’s such a wonderful shift in our states of mind - we’re not scared! We’re not having a preemie! We’re probably not going to need the hospital! I can do whatever I want now - carry kids, nest like a crazy woman, start walking in the mornings again. WE MADE IT. Wow. We got through another pregnancy post-preemie and we’re about to welcome baby #5 and we are excited! This morning Emy & Bennett were taking turns “rocking” one of the baby’s outfits in the glider and if you ask Bennett where the baby will sleep he says, “In Mommy & Daddy’s bed!” and I found Emy “nursing” her baby doll yesterday. I think we’re all feeling pretty excited.
C’s fever broke, Emy came in running a temp at 5am but she seems fine now? Just a bit fussy. Praying we’re all healthy before this baby decides to arrive…
I write this, then I realize it’s not the whole story. When I make comments about, “Hopefully we won’t need the hospital,” or “We think we’ll probably be okay once we hit 37 weeks,” I’ve had people tell me that I need to think positive. Assume the best, etc, don’t let myself be scared and worry about those things. (Clearly not people that know me well are saying those things.) But on the other hand, when I speak optimistically about our plans I’m also counseled to remember we may need to transfer to the hospital and things could go wrong and you just never know so we need to be mentally prepared in case things fall apart.
Our first planned birth center pregnancy ended with miscarriage. Our second planned birth center delivery ended with a stat c-section at 23 weeks after 3 months of bedrest and living at the hospital. We know, believe me we know that plans change and surprises pop up. I still have my hospital bag packed. I still have back up plans for our back up plans. We’ve already discussed what we’ll do with the kids if I need a transport, if the baby needs transport, if we need to call 911 because I wake up in labor with complications, etc. We’re not blissfully unaware of what can go wrong in pregnancy and birth - we’ve been there, we’ve done that. We know things can get ugly and dreams can get shattered.
So when I say we’re excited and relieved and thankful to be at 37 weeks, it does not mean we assume all will go smoothly or that all will end well. Last night I noticed the baby is moving a lot less and as I rubbed my stomach falling asleep I realized the thought repeating in my mind was, “Please stay alive. Please don’t die. We’re so close, please just hang in there. Please don’t die at this point. Please, please, please be okay. Let’s just get through this last bit and get you here healthy and okay.”
Yes, we’re excited. But I still, STILL, do not assume that getting 37 weeks or 38 weeks or any magical gestational point is going to guarantee us a healthy baby. We may have a beautiful delivery and need to transport, things can go wrong with me or the baby, I know this. It’s a daily, sometimes hourly battle to try and choose the faith over the fear. To believe that whatever happens, we’ll all be okay. Even now, even this close with this big, healthy baby inside of me, I do not feel any sense of certainty that I’m going to have a healthy baby in my arms soon. That makes me a little sad, but mostly it makes me grateful to realize I’ve experienced four miracles already (and thankfully they are keeping me busy these days so I can’t pause too often.) I realize that sounds rather… morbid. Or cynical. To be enormously pregnant but still be wondering if the baby is going to make it or not. It’s not meant to be dark and depressing - I think it’s realistic. I have no control over this, but I have faith that we’ll be okay whatever happens during this delivery.
I’m sad I still have these thoughts, that even this far along I do not feel absolute confidence that our baby is going to be okay. But I know after what we’ve experienced and after hearing the stories of too many friends that have lost babies (preemies and at term) that we just cannot ever go back to that land of unconditional optimism. Wait, that makes me laugh… we really didn’t ever get to hang out in that land very long, since even our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Okay, maybe we are just horribly cynical and pessimistic. 
Anyway, I’m excited but I’m also realistic. I live with hope that all will be well but I have faith that even when things don’t turn out the way we anticipated, they still all turn out.