So, these are probably the things that are glaringly obvious to everyone but me… but I’m getting the hang of this kid thing with #5 so just in case we decide to do this again, notes to self:

First, do NOT look through your preemie’s baby book (Emy and Bennett were checking it out) when you are postpartum. I didn’t realize how much Joseph and Bennett looked alike until I saw what appeared to be a miniature Joseph with an intubation tube shoved down his throat and IVs in his tiny arms. It made me feel ill. I can normally look at Bennett’s pictures and be okay but wow - NOT postpartum. Way, way too hard to remember what he went through…

Back to more mundane stuff:

Staging for nighttime survival - have by bed plenty of diapers, wipes, ointment/powder, gas drops (buy infant ones in advance!!) and breast pads, sleeper gowns in case of explosion, burp cloths, receiving blankets, change of shirt and nursing bra for me, water bottle (nursing makes me so thirsty) and a good night light with on/off switch or something to give enough light to change diapers but not enough to wake up baby. I’m keeping most of this in an IKEA blue bin in my nightstand. Love my IKEA bins. I want everything by my bed so I can wake up as little as possible and avoid stumbling around in the dark searching for things.

Staging for daytime survival - have diaper stuff with all of above in most commonly used area, along with phone, laptop, water bottle, and a couple good books/treats/distractions for the kids to use while I am nursing. Bubbles, crayons, coloring books, puzzles, toys they can only play with WHILE I AM NURSING in hopes it will capture their attention and minimize the damage they can inflict on the house while I am nursing and they wander off to explore. Also get some movies out and realize the tv will help me survive this stage and then we can hide it again.

Coping with the postpartum emotions/depression/anxiety - things that are helping:
- taking time each day to read a talk from the conference Ensign, my scriptures (reading New Testament) or my patriarchal blessing. SOMETHING uplifting that gives me focus and reminds me why this is the most important thing in the world I can possibly be doing and there is no where I would rather be.
- playing the piano, the simplified hymns.
- reading a book I love to the kids (C.S. Lewis and Harry Potter right now.)
- taking a walk, alone or with the family. Sunshine and exercise.
- sitting in the hammock a few minutes.
- protein snacks throughout the day, good breakfast and consistent meals so my blood sugar doesn’t drop.
- a long, hot shower every morning before Kit goes to work.
- talking to a friend on email, phone, or in person every day.
- blogging and/or journaling.
- reminding myself that I got through this before and I will get through it again and it’s so very much worth the temporary insanity. It passes and the beautiful baby is forever.
- hugs from my kids.
- hugs from my Kit.

In no particular order, things from our first week with Joseph:
- Tucking Emy into bed tonight, I say, “I love Emy!” and with a huge grin and hug she squeezes me and announces, “LOVE ME!”
- Bennett and Emy have formed a partnership. On one hand it’s great to see them playing SO well together. On the other hand, they are playing so well together in all sorts of new and dangerous and messy ways:

- Reading 3rd Nephi with Christ visiting the Nephites, we’re discussing sacred vs. secret. Christopher is trying to understand the distinction and says, “Guys, was this sacred - having Joseph?” Yes. Yes, it was.
- Bennett can sign “B-E-N” and is trying to spell his name but it’s usually B-E-N-T-T-N-E-B or some such variation. Lots of Ns and Ts. Ben knows most of the ABCs in sign language and always asks us to sing that at circle time.
- Emy has decided Joseph will be an early reader:

- Moira has been signing the alphabet to Joseph. She’s also been singing to him a lot, it’s so sweet to hear.
- Tuesday morning we were in the sunroom and Moira, Bennett & Emiline went out to play in the yard. They were out there almost an hour (before the heat hit!) and we caught this picture of them:

- I’m 106lbs, trying to hold onto that weight! The goal is to stay above 100lbs.
- Kit ran to check in at the office before they took off this week for a big convention, Joseph was asleep, and I had four very awake kids so a nap was not an option. We put the time to good use:

- Joseph can lift his head and turn it side to side and push away from our chests when we are holding him. Impressive head control.
- Christopher & Moira both received thank you gifts from us for their extra special help this last month. They’ve done not just their chores but lots of extra things to help out around the house and are amazing at assisting me with Joseph and the younger kids. So we got them some special Big Brother/Big Sister gifts:
More on Christopher’s book later, he’s thrilled… yes, our kids get that excited over books. Educational books at that. This is what happens when you hide the tv, they have to get excited about something.
- Each month we’re going to take a picture of Joseph next to this little rhino a new friend gave us. Starting with one week (since I didn’t get a shot at birth with it!) then one month on through his first birthday:

That’s not the official shot, I’m saving the 12 for later. That’s just to show the rhino.
- Bennett has a little poster/worksheet thing he’s decided is his laptop. He carries it around, sets it up and pretends to type:

These are the things I don’t want to forget. I’ve had some moments that have emotionally caught me off guard but all in all? A pretty wonderful week. You know, beautiful and healthy new baby and four spectacular big siblings and a husband beyond compare. Not a bad week, I must say…

I’ll be posting more pictures in the gallery tonight.

I had the moment today (I’ve had it with each of my kids, though it certainly struck the most brutally with Bennett’s pregnancy) - I looked down and realized I was alone. Joseph was no longer with me. (He was sound asleep next to me, but he was not with me.) And each time I’ve had that moment I am sad and I try to remember the feeling of that little body tucked up inside of me, kicking me and making me oh-so-uncomfortable. The memory fades too quickly. But it’s a strange sensation, the awareness that I am now alone in my own body.

Crawling into bed I looked down at sleeping Joseph and the love struck me with such force, it caught me off guard. That happens with each baby, too. You know you love them, but there are moments when you look at them and you almost have the wind knocked out of you - the depth of the love, the fierceness, there’s just no adequate way to describe how it feels to fall in love with your own child.

He’s not yet one week old and I cannot quite remember life before him. Hasn’t Joseph always been here, always been a part of our family, always been our son? Just as I cannot fathom how I lived 23 years without Kit in my life… we’ve had our kids close in age, and even when going on no sleep and a lot of insanity we’ve been eager to welcome each new child. And I don’t think we’ve really expressed why there was such an urgency for us, why we seemed to be in such a rush to have these children. We wanted them here. We wanted all of them, we didn’t want to miss anyone, didn’t want anyone to miss out on things. We wanted our children and we didn’t want to wait years between them because that would have meant more time we were missing children. Now they are here.

And the next thought that came to me that brought a huge smile to my face was,

“Now, let the wild rumpus BEGIN!!”

I remember when I was pregnant with Christopher that I wondered how I could ever love another person as much as I loved Kit. Not that a love for spouse or child are comparable, but I was so in love with Kit that I just didn’t know how I could adore anyone on any level approaching that. Then I had Christopher and even with the PPD I fell very much in love with him and have loved him more and more and more every day since. Even on those days he made me bonkers.

Same thing, pregnant with Moira I did have the thought that I couldn’t love another child with quite the same adoration that I loved Christopher. Then she was in my arms and I started to slowly catch on - OH, you mean I’m going to love all of them this much?? Even writing that brings tears to my eyes…

So, I no longer fear that a new baby will be less loved. Bennett and Emy came along and entered the wild rumpus and there’s enough love… I’m confident that when they arrive and I see that face that I will love them as if I’ve known them forever. Because I believe that I have. I believe this little passel of monkeys was meant to be with us, that each one is our child forever and that years and years ago I began to get a hint of the joy that was to come with our sons and daughters. Before they began to arrive… but that’s a long other story.

My point is that there is plenty of love to go around. There are two beautiful aspects of this (well, at least two.) With each baby, the love just grows. You’ve all heard that cliche but it’s true. I heard it compared to a candle - each candle lit by another does not diminish the light of the first. It just provides even more light. There’s more and more love with each baby that comes. More chaos, and less sleep, but there is more love. You fall just as hard for baby number five as you do for baby number one.

Actually, that’s not true. You fall harder.

You do. When Moira came and I first let Christopher hold her, I fell in love with both of them. I loved Christopher even MORE because I saw him grow and I watched their relationship develop. Each child you welcome into your family makes you love your other children with a deeper and deeper appreciation because you see how each member of the family grows and stretches to welcome that new little one.

I won’t even get into how it alters your relationship with your spouse, because that’s a whole other post. You think you love your spouse on your wedding day? Just wait… just wait. And as hard as you may love them on the day you first see them smile at your new baby? You think you love them after that first little one comes, but then another comes and you love them more. I’ll have to save this for a new post. But Joseph’s birth day was… I’m staring at my computer at a loss for words.

It topped my wedding day. And that’s saying something. And I know Kit won’t be bothered by that because today I overheard him tell a friend that this birth experience is comparable only to the day we were in the temple together, being sealed as an eternal family. SO, I know he feels the same way…

Last night Joseph was being fussy. I nursed and nursed and nursed and then Kit took him. Sat next to our bed in the glider and held our son. I could see his profile in the dark room, backlit by a light by our sink. Just the outline of my husband, rocking my baby to sleep. And as exhausted as I was, as bone weary, I could not sleep. I lay there, trying to forever imprint that image in my mind. Wondering how I could ever love them more, love each of them, fully appreciate this life and these loved ones. Knowing, finally starting to realize, that I’m going to fall more and more and more in love with each of them every day.

Postpartum is hard, but there are also precious moments of peace and perspective…

So, why give Joseph Thaden my maiden name as his middle name? Well, because Thaden is a cool name. And we kept hearing more little boys named Braden, Caden, Jaden, Haden, etc. And Thaden is similar, but unique! I’ve not heard any other kids being called Thaden. It’s pretty unique even as a maiden name. (Thaden is a tiny town in northern Germany and it’s pronounced differently over there. Sounds more like Toden instead of Th-AY-den.) Anyway, I love the name Thaden. Good name. I kept it.

But beyond that, we have a neat tradition now going for our boys. Here’s the line up:

Russell Christopher Pierce

named after Russell Thaden (Christopher’s grandfather) named after
Sarah Jane Russell (Christopher’s great-great-great grandmother) b. 1845

Bennett Michael Pierce

named after Bennet Triton (Bennett’s 14th great-grandmother born around 1609 from his paternal grandmother’s side) named after
Meade Bennet (Bennett’s 16th great-grandmother)

Joseph Thaden Pierce

named after Heidi Thaden (his Mommy!)

So when we were coming up with middle names (we knew his first name was Joseph) Kit really liked the idea of using Thaden and when we realized the connection, it was perfect. All of our boys have been given names that are maiden names from the family. I love it and think it’s a neat tradition to pass on to them, should they choose to pass those names on as well someday.

The girls will have to decide if they’re keeping Pierce or not when they grow up, I figure when they marry they’ll have to sort out enough maiden/last names. On my family side the girls do not have middle names so we can keep our maiden names as middle names but I hyphenated. But the kids are just Pierce. I think Pierce would be a great first name and maybe one of the girls will use that for a first name for their child and keep the maiden name tradition going. Russell, Bennett, Thaden, Pierce - great names, don’t you think?

I’m blessed to be a member of two different groups of parents - I’m a preemie mom, a micropreemie mom at that. And I’m a full term mom. Blessed may sound like a strange word in this context, but I have Bennett and with the experience of parenting him we’ve been changed forever. Part of that journey has included us being introduced to such an amazing group of micropreemie parents and their children and their stories never cease to inspire me.

But I’m also a parent to four full term babies. So many of the challenges and painful struggles these other parents face may not apply in our circumstances - we had two term kids before our preemie and now we’ve had two term kids since. We’ve been blessed with a broad range of parenting experiences, kid with diverse abilities and very different developmental paths.

Term parents do not always understand our paranoia since our preemie - the hand scrubbing, the isolation with a newborn, the gripping fear that now permeates our pregnancies. If they’ve not stood in the NICU next to a baby born far too soon, they may wonder why I can say with such a huge smile that I’m STILL PREGNANT in 105 degree weather at 9 months along - and to sincerely be grateful that I’m huge and waddling. And my deep, deep aversion to the hospital may seem odd. Our home birth/birth center friends agree the hospital is not ideal but for a preemie parent, a hospital has been life saving and it’s hard to imagine such a carefree and healthy pregnancy that an out of hospital birth is even a possibility. But it was for us - we went from one extreme (stat c-section at 23 weeks) to the other extreme (birth center full term births.) HUGE swing…

It’s a strange spot to be in, this preemie AND term parent location. Strange, but also such a luxury. For every person that says my baby is so little, I laugh and compare him to his preemie brother. But when I comment on our BIG baby, I get response about how small he is compared to this 9 or 10 pound baby… It makes me laugh. But it can also be awkward and leave me unsure how to proceed. I’ve not announced Joseph’s arrival to our preemie blog group because I feel uncertain - he’s a big, healthy, full term baby. Born at 39+ weeks gestation. We spent nine months hoping and praying for this. We are thrilled beyond words, but for parents that have not yet experienced a term birth or may never, doesn’t that kinda suck to hear about? So do I share our news or not? At some point it becomes obvious I’ve given birth, but I have no idea how to announce Joseph’s arrival without it potentially hurting someone that will not have this chance to get to term… so I just haven’t said anything. Which feels equally awkward and rather conspicuous. (And on that note - Hi, Preemie Blog Moms! )

Okay, I’ve been given good feedback - you are right, it was a brief time (just under a year) when we were trying for Bennett and miscarried but it made me so sad during that time if a friend got pregnant and did not tell me their exciting news. It felt like they did not think I was capable of being happy for their news because I was struggling with something of my own. I wanted to hear their announcements and share their joy, even if I was not pregnant myself. So better to share news, right?

Births, of course I’m comparing them in my mind… while nursing, since we do that a lot these days. Good thing I can type and nurse so well.

Bennett’s birth did not feel like a birth so much as an emergency medical procedure involving a lot of lights, lots of people, drugs, alarms, urgency on their part, full blown panic on my part, and much pain. I woke up on a useless drug pump that did nothing for the pain but sure made me loopy and unable to cope or speak. I had no baby in my arms, painfully engorged breasts, and staples in my belly. The few memories I had leading up to the c-section would cause me painful flashbacks for years. I have almost no memories of Bennett’s first 24 hours, except for the neonatologist coming in to explain Bennett’s lung had collapsed and his chances of survival had plummeted from pretty pathetically low already to rather atrociously low. Christopher & Moira could not see their brother for months afterwards, until they were allowed into the NICU.

Emy’s birth… well, you’ve probably seen the pictures. Emy’s birth was at night. Lit mostly by candles, filled with quiet voices and soft music and the sound of water as the labor tub filled. We had my midwife and her assistant and my sister capturing pictures. It was so peaceful, so calm, so healing. It was exactly what we needed to soothe some of the pain around Bennett’s too harsh welcome into this world. Bennett met Emy just a couple hours later and oh, it did my heart good to see.

Joseph’s birth… okay, you’ve not seen the pictures. Joseph came during the day, I labored in rooms filled with sunshine and loved ones. There was laughter and the smell of chocolate cake and music. We had my midwife and her assistant, my sister capturing pictures, our fabulous doula, our wonderful friend talking with Christopher and Moira, and all our children. It was also peaceful, and strangely calm considering the amount of kids and stories and giggles and fun. It was healing. It was completely, perfectly, beautifully, exactly what I would have dreamt for this birth - what I did dream for this birth. I cannot think about how amazing it was without tears coming to my eyes. When Bennett finally was woken up and came to meet the baby I realized I had all five - all five- of my children together with me, the newest being just a couple hours old. It was perfect.

Three very different births, three adorable and healthy children, three experiences that helped us grow and change and appreciate our family even more. I’m thankful…

I just snuggled Joseph into the bendy positioning device we picked up from Bennett’s various ICU stays. It helps them keep the preemie’s positioned in more developmentally appropriate ways - gives them boundaries. But I started to laugh when I saw how ENORMOUS he looks in there. Here, let us compare - Bennett’s first shot in the U shaped tube:

And Joseph’s shot:

Granted, Bennett was 12.25″ long when he was born and Joseph was 20.5″ long so the little brother did have over 8″ on his brother. And 7 lbs 4 ozs more - but still. This makes me smile. In deep, deep gratitude that I was just able to squeeze out this healthy little chunky Joseph that was this morning cuddled and greeted by his wonderfully healthy big brother, Bennett:

And when he’s in his Daddy’s arms, I realize how very tiny Joseph really is:

(I anticipate there will be much blogging in the days to come. One, because I want to capture these early moments that fly by. Two, because I know postpartum I often struggle and writing helps me process and cope and stay sane when my emotions are all over the place. Three, because I have been overwhelmed the last 48 hours with how incredibly blessed and grateful and happy we are feeling to have this little one arrive and have our children safely home with us. So just be warned, possible blog flood to follow… comments and emails have been gratefully received and very much appreciated. Thank you for sharing the journey with us. )

Some August pictures are up in the gallery. Not birth, just stuff from our camera.

I had a moment this morning that could only be compared to the way I felt when I knelt in the temple across from Kit and looked into his eyes on the day we were sealed. That day in the temple involved a lot of planning and organizing and excitement and coordinating of travel plans, but really it was just that moment that mattered. When I was there, holding Kit’s hand and feeling the enormity of the situation as we were married for time and for all eternity. Our forever family began.

This morning I was finishing up changing a diaper. Romantic, eh? Kit was helping the toddlers crawl onto the bed to say good-morning to Joseph. I looked around my room and saw my family. Kit, all five little ones. Everyone cooing over the baby, in our home, all together at last. I looked at Kit and I said, “Look at this - all of them.” And I felt that same sense of the enormity of this - our family. And this sense of peace, this overwhelming awe that we are here, that eight years after that moment with Kit I would be having that same emotion as I looked at the family we’ve been blessed with… they are here. They are here and healthy and safe.

Both of those experiences left me with such a perspective, this realization that at this very moment I am exactly where I am meant to be, that my life has lead me to this moment with these loved ones. That somehow everything has aligned and this is another one of those milestones in this eternal journey that I will treasure forever.

Oh, and a moment of sweetness until we get pictures posted - our doula had just dressed Joseph for us and handed him back in an outfit he outgrew about 5 minutes later. I wasn’t expecting him to be quite so big:

Update: My favorite comment from today is Moira - “I tried to calm him down but he wanted your boob.”

I want to see if I can get to 6am without waking Kit up. Or 6:30am or whenever the kids start waking up. Then we can shower and eat something (hmm, donuts sound good) and I can see how the contractions are going. Still every six minutes right now and strong enough to require my attention. I would like to not call the labor team before 7 or 8am and since they are heading north they’ll hopefully not hit too much traffic (most rush hour is southbound around here in the morning, though this is DFW so really there’s no predicting things.) Depending on how Emy and Bennett are doing, I’ll see which babysitter options are in town & available in case we need them picked up. They need to eat lunch at 11am and go down for naps right after though that may all get blown by a baby arriving. In which case we’ll hope we can all do a late nap today.

Right now I just need to STAY DISTRACTED so I don’t wear myself out with these increasingly distracting contractions. Maybe I’ll make some of those chocolate almond turnovers for breakfast? Last time we did lemon but I want to play around with toasted almonds, the dark chocolate and some almond glaze.

Not wanting to be too optimistic, I think before dinnertime we’ll have a new baby. Wish us well, we’ll keep you posted…

Update: Here are the toddlers keeping me company between contractions.

8am: Called midwife & doula and gave my sister a heads up, midwife will stop and check me on way to office and see what’s up. 3 to 5 minutes apart but that could still last for hours… Mo stumbled out of bed and I said, “We’re going to get donuts. And maybe a baby.” Her face lit up and I asked which she was more excited about. She said donuts. AND baby, she said, “I’m excited about both.” Ha, too late, the sleepy truth has been revealed. Donuts win.

8:30am: Midwife says I’m almost 7cms. Um, did NOT expect that! Making lots of calls. If I ranked my contractions on the 0 to 10 pain scale I don’t think they’re over 5 yet. I had a few 7s but this is crazy! They aren’t consistent yet, either. 3 minutes, 6 minutes, they’re all over. Hmm…

11:30am: 8cms, feeling a bit pushy but not yet. Emy keeps bringing me Gatorade. Some of these are a 7 but still most are maybe a 4? This is bizarre! Starting to feel the urge to push, but not quite yet.

From 11:30am to 1:40pm I was not amused. So no updates there, but little chunky monkey has arrived!

8lbs 10ozs, 20.5″, utterly adorable. We are all resting and thrilled and we’ll have pictures later. Kit’s already rocked the baby to sleep and is on the phone with his parents now.

Not at all what expected, this was such a different labor experience. After I get some sleep I’ll write up the birth story.

And yes, we were really blogging in labor. My iTunes had my labor songs, so we needed to have the laptop open. And I only blogged until we hit transition and realized things were moving along and required my attention and then we got down to business.

Some little posts up on the school blog.

I’m STILL PREGNANT!! More pregnant than I have ever been in my life, passing C’s pregnancy now by one day. Insane… I thought something was happening Monday afternoon when the contractions were going from 1:30pm until 9:30pm and every 5 minutes, but nope. So I decided to try and sleep through them and wait for morning, if possible. But after getting up with contractions every hour I gave up and got up at 2:30am and I’m sure I’ll be exhausted today… sigh…

My new glasses came in from Zenni Optical and so far I love them. I got the $8 set for glasses, almost identical to what I have now (but way, way cheaper since I got mine from Sams) and so far I love them. They seem to fit better, too, but that may be because my kids beat my old frames up. I also ordered prescription sunglasses in a chunky black frame that are cute, those were $15. With shipping for both pairs I only paid $29 total!! It took two weeks to arrive. I’ll post pictures later, when the entire house isn’t asleep except me and Mojo the Monkey.

We got thank you gifts for the older two kids. Since Christopher can now read the blog (and likes to read it over my shoulder) I won’t say what yet, but we got something for Christopher & Moira to thank them for all their help in the pregnancy. They’ve been huge, huge assistants with taking care of the house and the younger kids so we’ll give them these treats when the baby comes. I admit, we got them educational stuff. But it’s still fun.

I’m wondering if Mojo is scared to come out when it’s 105 degrees. I would be. There was a cat in our yard so all the kids raced out to see and I sat in the shade with them - I lasted maybe 10 minutes. I realize my internal thermostat is off but MY WORD, IT’S HOT. Between the elevated body temp of being pregnant and lugging around this little baby chunk-o-cuteness, I’m sweltering. And at night, Emy’s decided her favorite spot to sleep (naptime, too) is with her head tucked right under my chin. So I have an internal and external space heater. If I try to scoot away from Emy she just scoots closer and flings body parts over me as if to trap me in place. Her little sensors to let her know if I try to escape. She’s been out of our bed for months but suddenly she’s coming into our room every night to scootch in. Which will be a problem soon if Mojo is in that spot.

Bennett just wandered past (I’m on the couch, Kit’s in bed) and I snagged him to try and get him back down. He kept insisting, “Mommy, I need my Daddy.” Poor Kit… he carried him back to bed and they’re asleep again.

Moira was asked to give a talk in primary on Sunday. If we can manage I’ll send her with Kit to help and it will be brief (couple minutes) but I’m nervous. I know at that age (5) they don’t expect much coherency from kids but still. I know her speech is a challenge and I’ve seen people’s expressions when they are trying to understand her but have NO CLUE what she is saying and it still breaks my heart every time. She’s so bright, and so full of ideas and fun and jokes and questions. But because her speech is hard to understand, Kit and I both fear that people are not realizing her age (they assume she’s younger) and not realizing how bright she is - that she understands everything they are saying to her, even if she cannot clearly express herself back. I can see now how the speech is posing problems for her more and more when she interacts with others and we’re constantly trying to figure out more ways to help her overcome that. We can translate for the most part but she’s old enough now to realize we’re translating for her and how is that making her feel? Sometimes she’ll say something to someone, they’ll not catch it so I try to explain and I watch her face as she hears me repeat what she’s said and I hate that. I hate wondering how that must feel, to need a translator and to be so misunderstood. I fear she’s going to give up and stop trying to express herself. We see how frustrated she becomes when she’s upset and cannot quickly convey what she wants to say and the stress only makes it that much harder for her to get the words out. I hate to see her struggle…

It’s 4:15am. I’m gonna need a nap today…

Moira (5 years old)
- horse teacher
- astronaut
- mom
- teacher who teaches at home
- baker
- firefighter
- light person who makes lights
- helper to help people
- ice cream person
- in Daddy’s rock & roll band

Christopher (6.5 years old)
- I want to be someone who builds and programs robots.
- I want to homeschool.
- I want to be a dad.
- I want to be a rock & roll band player. (With Dad.)

Bennett (3.5 years old)
- W
- 3
Bennett is apparently planning to be a Muppet?

Emy (23 months)
- “No grow up.” And that’s a quote…