- Kit leaves for work and we bunker down in the sunroom for lessons and playtime.
- The TV is out, but unplugged. Knowing it’s an option is nice, though we’re not using it currently… hoping they continue to ignore it, it was gone long enough that they seem to not notice it’s there.
- Emy is serious about potty training so we’re going to embrace it. I moved the potty chair, a ton of spare panties, the hand sanitizer, and a roll of toilet paper to the sunroom to make it easier. We’ll see how it goes but so far, so good. Less wandering around the house will at least mean fewer places to check for “surprises” she leaves…
- I’m giving snacks on a schedule, before Bennett has a chance to go scavenging in the kitchen.
- These totally brightened our day (Thank you!!):

- And so did this, you can’t help but smile at those cheeks:

- I DID IT!! Got in Joseph’s 2 week well check, got Kit off to work, did lessons, got playtime in the yard (we won’t discuss what happened there) and did snacks and read stories and did lunch (a healthy one!) AND got Bennett and Emiline down for naps at the same time while nursing Joseph!! This may never, ever happen again but I did it!! I even did some dishes and pulled out dinner prep stuff. And made bread! (Kit’s putting it in the pans for me now while I nurse.) Kit actually was gone for five whole hours and I did not have a nervous break down and no one needed stitches and nothing serious got broken. HOORAY!! I HAVE HOPE I CAN PARENT FIVE OF THEM!!

- Silly me, 2 week weigh in… they like the baby to be back to their birth weight at 2 weeks, assuming they lost up to 10% of their body weight at first. Joseph was cooperative, he gained back lost weight and still managed to hit 9lbs 4ozs. Go, Little Chunk! I’m 101lbs, not so good, but still above 100lbs. Passed hearing screening, healthy baby boy. Here we are post check up, photo by Christopher:

- This is turning out to be a lovely day, just back from our first family walk (greeted by the delicious smell of baking wheat bread when we returned) and here are Joseph’s cute little feet sticking out of the Ergo:

I’m not sure how to respond when people (very kindly) ask about how I’m doing in relation to the postpartum depression. I’m not depressed, but there are times I really feel depressed. But it comes and goes, and every day there are beautiful bright spots that keep me going and make me smile and laugh. Sometimes I do feel the crushing weight on my chest and remember very vividly how the depression felt - but it’s more memories of depression, not active depression. If that makes any sense… I think we’re staying on top of it with a lot of awareness and effort and sunshine and food and omega-3s and cute kids. But it’s constantly there, nagging at the back of my mind. So, I try to keep going and focus on the kids and remember we’ve got all the time in the world to get the hang of this. I’m writing up a list of things that have been helping…

In no particular order, things from our first week with Joseph:
- Tucking Emy into bed tonight, I say, “I love Emy!” and with a huge grin and hug she squeezes me and announces, “LOVE ME!”
- Bennett and Emy have formed a partnership. On one hand it’s great to see them playing SO well together. On the other hand, they are playing so well together in all sorts of new and dangerous and messy ways:

- Reading 3rd Nephi with Christ visiting the Nephites, we’re discussing sacred vs. secret. Christopher is trying to understand the distinction and says, “Guys, was this sacred - having Joseph?” Yes. Yes, it was.
- Bennett can sign “B-E-N” and is trying to spell his name but it’s usually B-E-N-T-T-N-E-B or some such variation. Lots of Ns and Ts. Ben knows most of the ABCs in sign language and always asks us to sing that at circle time.
- Emy has decided Joseph will be an early reader:

- Moira has been signing the alphabet to Joseph. She’s also been singing to him a lot, it’s so sweet to hear.
- Tuesday morning we were in the sunroom and Moira, Bennett & Emiline went out to play in the yard. They were out there almost an hour (before the heat hit!) and we caught this picture of them:

- I’m 106lbs, trying to hold onto that weight! The goal is to stay above 100lbs.
- Kit ran to check in at the office before they took off this week for a big convention, Joseph was asleep, and I had four very awake kids so a nap was not an option. We put the time to good use:

- Joseph can lift his head and turn it side to side and push away from our chests when we are holding him. Impressive head control.
- Christopher & Moira both received thank you gifts from us for their extra special help this last month. They’ve done not just their chores but lots of extra things to help out around the house and are amazing at assisting me with Joseph and the younger kids. So we got them some special Big Brother/Big Sister gifts:
More on Christopher’s book later, he’s thrilled… yes, our kids get that excited over books. Educational books at that. This is what happens when you hide the tv, they have to get excited about something.
- Each month we’re going to take a picture of Joseph next to this little rhino a new friend gave us. Starting with one week (since I didn’t get a shot at birth with it!) then one month on through his first birthday:

That’s not the official shot, I’m saving the 12 for later. That’s just to show the rhino.
- Bennett has a little poster/worksheet thing he’s decided is his laptop. He carries it around, sets it up and pretends to type:

These are the things I don’t want to forget. I’ve had some moments that have emotionally caught me off guard but all in all? A pretty wonderful week. You know, beautiful and healthy new baby and four spectacular big siblings and a husband beyond compare. Not a bad week, I must say…

I’ll be posting more pictures in the gallery tonight.

I remember when I was pregnant with Christopher that I wondered how I could ever love another person as much as I loved Kit. Not that a love for spouse or child are comparable, but I was so in love with Kit that I just didn’t know how I could adore anyone on any level approaching that. Then I had Christopher and even with the PPD I fell very much in love with him and have loved him more and more and more every day since. Even on those days he made me bonkers.

Same thing, pregnant with Moira I did have the thought that I couldn’t love another child with quite the same adoration that I loved Christopher. Then she was in my arms and I started to slowly catch on - OH, you mean I’m going to love all of them this much?? Even writing that brings tears to my eyes…

So, I no longer fear that a new baby will be less loved. Bennett and Emy came along and entered the wild rumpus and there’s enough love… I’m confident that when they arrive and I see that face that I will love them as if I’ve known them forever. Because I believe that I have. I believe this little passel of monkeys was meant to be with us, that each one is our child forever and that years and years ago I began to get a hint of the joy that was to come with our sons and daughters. Before they began to arrive… but that’s a long other story.

My point is that there is plenty of love to go around. There are two beautiful aspects of this (well, at least two.) With each baby, the love just grows. You’ve all heard that cliche but it’s true. I heard it compared to a candle - each candle lit by another does not diminish the light of the first. It just provides even more light. There’s more and more love with each baby that comes. More chaos, and less sleep, but there is more love. You fall just as hard for baby number five as you do for baby number one.

Actually, that’s not true. You fall harder.

You do. When Moira came and I first let Christopher hold her, I fell in love with both of them. I loved Christopher even MORE because I saw him grow and I watched their relationship develop. Each child you welcome into your family makes you love your other children with a deeper and deeper appreciation because you see how each member of the family grows and stretches to welcome that new little one.

I won’t even get into how it alters your relationship with your spouse, because that’s a whole other post. You think you love your spouse on your wedding day? Just wait… just wait. And as hard as you may love them on the day you first see them smile at your new baby? You think you love them after that first little one comes, but then another comes and you love them more. I’ll have to save this for a new post. But Joseph’s birth day was… I’m staring at my computer at a loss for words.

It topped my wedding day. And that’s saying something. And I know Kit won’t be bothered by that because today I overheard him tell a friend that this birth experience is comparable only to the day we were in the temple together, being sealed as an eternal family. SO, I know he feels the same way…

Last night Joseph was being fussy. I nursed and nursed and nursed and then Kit took him. Sat next to our bed in the glider and held our son. I could see his profile in the dark room, backlit by a light by our sink. Just the outline of my husband, rocking my baby to sleep. And as exhausted as I was, as bone weary, I could not sleep. I lay there, trying to forever imprint that image in my mind. Wondering how I could ever love them more, love each of them, fully appreciate this life and these loved ones. Knowing, finally starting to realize, that I’m going to fall more and more and more in love with each of them every day.

Postpartum is hard, but there are also precious moments of peace and perspective…

Births, of course I’m comparing them in my mind… while nursing, since we do that a lot these days. Good thing I can type and nurse so well.

Bennett’s birth did not feel like a birth so much as an emergency medical procedure involving a lot of lights, lots of people, drugs, alarms, urgency on their part, full blown panic on my part, and much pain. I woke up on a useless drug pump that did nothing for the pain but sure made me loopy and unable to cope or speak. I had no baby in my arms, painfully engorged breasts, and staples in my belly. The few memories I had leading up to the c-section would cause me painful flashbacks for years. I have almost no memories of Bennett’s first 24 hours, except for the neonatologist coming in to explain Bennett’s lung had collapsed and his chances of survival had plummeted from pretty pathetically low already to rather atrociously low. Christopher & Moira could not see their brother for months afterwards, until they were allowed into the NICU.

Emy’s birth… well, you’ve probably seen the pictures. Emy’s birth was at night. Lit mostly by candles, filled with quiet voices and soft music and the sound of water as the labor tub filled. We had my midwife and her assistant and my sister capturing pictures. It was so peaceful, so calm, so healing. It was exactly what we needed to soothe some of the pain around Bennett’s too harsh welcome into this world. Bennett met Emy just a couple hours later and oh, it did my heart good to see.

Joseph’s birth… okay, you’ve not seen the pictures. Joseph came during the day, I labored in rooms filled with sunshine and loved ones. There was laughter and the smell of chocolate cake and music. We had my midwife and her assistant, my sister capturing pictures, our fabulous doula, our wonderful friend talking with Christopher and Moira, and all our children. It was also peaceful, and strangely calm considering the amount of kids and stories and giggles and fun. It was healing. It was completely, perfectly, beautifully, exactly what I would have dreamt for this birth - what I did dream for this birth. I cannot think about how amazing it was without tears coming to my eyes. When Bennett finally was woken up and came to meet the baby I realized I had all five - all five- of my children together with me, the newest being just a couple hours old. It was perfect.

Three very different births, three adorable and healthy children, three experiences that helped us grow and change and appreciate our family even more. I’m thankful…

I had a moment this morning that could only be compared to the way I felt when I knelt in the temple across from Kit and looked into his eyes on the day we were sealed. That day in the temple involved a lot of planning and organizing and excitement and coordinating of travel plans, but really it was just that moment that mattered. When I was there, holding Kit’s hand and feeling the enormity of the situation as we were married for time and for all eternity. Our forever family began.

This morning I was finishing up changing a diaper. Romantic, eh? Kit was helping the toddlers crawl onto the bed to say good-morning to Joseph. I looked around my room and saw my family. Kit, all five little ones. Everyone cooing over the baby, in our home, all together at last. I looked at Kit and I said, “Look at this - all of them.” And I felt that same sense of the enormity of this - our family. And this sense of peace, this overwhelming awe that we are here, that eight years after that moment with Kit I would be having that same emotion as I looked at the family we’ve been blessed with… they are here. They are here and healthy and safe.

Both of those experiences left me with such a perspective, this realization that at this very moment I am exactly where I am meant to be, that my life has lead me to this moment with these loved ones. That somehow everything has aligned and this is another one of those milestones in this eternal journey that I will treasure forever.

Oh, and a moment of sweetness until we get pictures posted - our doula had just dressed Joseph for us and handed him back in an outfit he outgrew about 5 minutes later. I wasn’t expecting him to be quite so big:

Update: My favorite comment from today is Moira - “I tried to calm him down but he wanted your boob.”

I want to see if I can get to 6am without waking Kit up. Or 6:30am or whenever the kids start waking up. Then we can shower and eat something (hmm, donuts sound good) and I can see how the contractions are going. Still every six minutes right now and strong enough to require my attention. I would like to not call the labor team before 7 or 8am and since they are heading north they’ll hopefully not hit too much traffic (most rush hour is southbound around here in the morning, though this is DFW so really there’s no predicting things.) Depending on how Emy and Bennett are doing, I’ll see which babysitter options are in town & available in case we need them picked up. They need to eat lunch at 11am and go down for naps right after though that may all get blown by a baby arriving. In which case we’ll hope we can all do a late nap today.

Right now I just need to STAY DISTRACTED so I don’t wear myself out with these increasingly distracting contractions. Maybe I’ll make some of those chocolate almond turnovers for breakfast? Last time we did lemon but I want to play around with toasted almonds, the dark chocolate and some almond glaze.

Not wanting to be too optimistic, I think before dinnertime we’ll have a new baby. Wish us well, we’ll keep you posted…

Update: Here are the toddlers keeping me company between contractions.

8am: Called midwife & doula and gave my sister a heads up, midwife will stop and check me on way to office and see what’s up. 3 to 5 minutes apart but that could still last for hours… Mo stumbled out of bed and I said, “We’re going to get donuts. And maybe a baby.” Her face lit up and I asked which she was more excited about. She said donuts. AND baby, she said, “I’m excited about both.” Ha, too late, the sleepy truth has been revealed. Donuts win.

8:30am: Midwife says I’m almost 7cms. Um, did NOT expect that! Making lots of calls. If I ranked my contractions on the 0 to 10 pain scale I don’t think they’re over 5 yet. I had a few 7s but this is crazy! They aren’t consistent yet, either. 3 minutes, 6 minutes, they’re all over. Hmm…

11:30am: 8cms, feeling a bit pushy but not yet. Emy keeps bringing me Gatorade. Some of these are a 7 but still most are maybe a 4? This is bizarre! Starting to feel the urge to push, but not quite yet.

From 11:30am to 1:40pm I was not amused. So no updates there, but little chunky monkey has arrived!

8lbs 10ozs, 20.5″, utterly adorable. We are all resting and thrilled and we’ll have pictures later. Kit’s already rocked the baby to sleep and is on the phone with his parents now.

Not at all what expected, this was such a different labor experience. After I get some sleep I’ll write up the birth story.

And yes, we were really blogging in labor. My iTunes had my labor songs, so we needed to have the laptop open. And I only blogged until we hit transition and realized things were moving along and required my attention and then we got down to business.

Some little posts up on the school blog.

I’m STILL PREGNANT!! More pregnant than I have ever been in my life, passing C’s pregnancy now by one day. Insane… I thought something was happening Monday afternoon when the contractions were going from 1:30pm until 9:30pm and every 5 minutes, but nope. So I decided to try and sleep through them and wait for morning, if possible. But after getting up with contractions every hour I gave up and got up at 2:30am and I’m sure I’ll be exhausted today… sigh…

My new glasses came in from Zenni Optical and so far I love them. I got the $8 set for glasses, almost identical to what I have now (but way, way cheaper since I got mine from Sams) and so far I love them. They seem to fit better, too, but that may be because my kids beat my old frames up. I also ordered prescription sunglasses in a chunky black frame that are cute, those were $15. With shipping for both pairs I only paid $29 total!! It took two weeks to arrive. I’ll post pictures later, when the entire house isn’t asleep except me and Mojo the Monkey.

We got thank you gifts for the older two kids. Since Christopher can now read the blog (and likes to read it over my shoulder) I won’t say what yet, but we got something for Christopher & Moira to thank them for all their help in the pregnancy. They’ve been huge, huge assistants with taking care of the house and the younger kids so we’ll give them these treats when the baby comes. I admit, we got them educational stuff. But it’s still fun.

I’m wondering if Mojo is scared to come out when it’s 105 degrees. I would be. There was a cat in our yard so all the kids raced out to see and I sat in the shade with them - I lasted maybe 10 minutes. I realize my internal thermostat is off but MY WORD, IT’S HOT. Between the elevated body temp of being pregnant and lugging around this little baby chunk-o-cuteness, I’m sweltering. And at night, Emy’s decided her favorite spot to sleep (naptime, too) is with her head tucked right under my chin. So I have an internal and external space heater. If I try to scoot away from Emy she just scoots closer and flings body parts over me as if to trap me in place. Her little sensors to let her know if I try to escape. She’s been out of our bed for months but suddenly she’s coming into our room every night to scootch in. Which will be a problem soon if Mojo is in that spot.

Bennett just wandered past (I’m on the couch, Kit’s in bed) and I snagged him to try and get him back down. He kept insisting, “Mommy, I need my Daddy.” Poor Kit… he carried him back to bed and they’re asleep again.

Moira was asked to give a talk in primary on Sunday. If we can manage I’ll send her with Kit to help and it will be brief (couple minutes) but I’m nervous. I know at that age (5) they don’t expect much coherency from kids but still. I know her speech is a challenge and I’ve seen people’s expressions when they are trying to understand her but have NO CLUE what she is saying and it still breaks my heart every time. She’s so bright, and so full of ideas and fun and jokes and questions. But because her speech is hard to understand, Kit and I both fear that people are not realizing her age (they assume she’s younger) and not realizing how bright she is - that she understands everything they are saying to her, even if she cannot clearly express herself back. I can see now how the speech is posing problems for her more and more when she interacts with others and we’re constantly trying to figure out more ways to help her overcome that. We can translate for the most part but she’s old enough now to realize we’re translating for her and how is that making her feel? Sometimes she’ll say something to someone, they’ll not catch it so I try to explain and I watch her face as she hears me repeat what she’s said and I hate that. I hate wondering how that must feel, to need a translator and to be so misunderstood. I fear she’s going to give up and stop trying to express herself. We see how frustrated she becomes when she’s upset and cannot quickly convey what she wants to say and the stress only makes it that much harder for her to get the words out. I hate to see her struggle…

It’s 4:15am. I’m gonna need a nap today…

Moira (5 years old)
- horse teacher
- astronaut
- mom
- teacher who teaches at home
- baker
- firefighter
- light person who makes lights
- helper to help people
- ice cream person
- in Daddy’s rock & roll band

Christopher (6.5 years old)
- I want to be someone who builds and programs robots.
- I want to homeschool.
- I want to be a dad.
- I want to be a rock & roll band player. (With Dad.)

Bennett (3.5 years old)
- W
- 3
Bennett is apparently planning to be a Muppet?

Emy (23 months)
- “No grow up.” And that’s a quote…

Kids are looking at their albums and Kit’s. Random thoughts:

- Emiline and Moira look so much alike as babies that I cannot tell them apart in some shots and they cannot tell themselves apart in most shots.
- Christopher has my complexion but the rest all have Kit’s complexion.
- Bennett & Emiline have my wavy hair, but Mo’s hair is far darker than Kit’s or my hair as kids. Christopher & Moira both have Kit’s straight hair. And on the topic of hair, Mo’s hair is now so thick and long and she does this little hair flippy thing to get it out of her face and oh, my, it kills us every time. I told Kit I’m sticking her in ponytails for the rest of her life to avoid seeing that little hair toss that makes her look way too old for my tastes.
- Nurses made comments about Bennett’s dark eye brows and long eyelashes being from the steroids (common among preemies) but really ALL of our kids have thick, dark eyebrows.
- In most of Bennett’s “Baby’s First…” shots he’s on oxygen. Okay, pretty much his entire baby book, since he was on oxygen for his first 10 months… but looking at them made me sad to remember how fragile he was. There are some shots that he and Christopher look SO much alike but the oxygen tubing is a glaring reminder of who is who. Now the glasses give it away. Okay, the wavy, crazy Bennett hair, too.
- Our kids have a strong family resemblance.

This has been fun to see their baby pictures and remember how tiny each of them was and how much the older kids wanted to cuddle on and love the new baby. We thought the older sibling seemed SO BIG when we had new babies but really, they were all still just babies. C was not yet 18 months when M was born, M was 21 months when B was born, B was 15 months adjusted when E was born (19 months actual age.) E is now 23 months old, she’s by far our most talkative kid at this age. She runs and leaps and climbs and bosses people around. (Couple days ago she yelled, “GO TO SLEEP, BENNETT!!”) She’s developmentally our oldest child when the new one arrives. And yet she’s still my baby. Itty bitty (just hitting 21 lbs!) and cuddly and snuggly and still just my baby. But when I see her holding Mojo I know she’ll start to look like a big girl and that makes me sad in some ways.

Everyone napped today except Christopher & me. We sat at the table talking, eating french toast sticks. I was trying to memorize his face at this stage. He’s turning seven years old this fall. SEVEN. And I was left once again wanting to freeze these moments somehow because they fly by too fast. My babies are growing too, too fast.

We found B & E in the sunroom, every cushion off the furniture and a little obstacle course set up. Bennett said it was a grocery store and that pillow bridge is their door.

C caught this shot of B & E in the girls’ room. They had to empty the baskets before they crawled into them.

Kit and I were talking in our room when I saw from the corner of my eye that the back door was open. The kids had been playing in the sunroom but Ben can undo the bolt. Uh-oh. Thankfully this is where he found them. Not far, which we are grateful for since Bennett can also undo the fence gate latch.

Finally, Mommy with 4/5 of her cuddlebugs.

We’ve not painted the cast yet and I’m wondering if we’ll just wait for Mojo so we can add the feet at the same time we do the kids’ handprints. I thought another project would be fun for the kids and help the younger two conceptualize a bit that this thing wildly kicking them is really human. I don’t know if they grasped the concept but we had fun.

It was inspired by one of my many late night trips to the bathroom, I saw my shadow on the wall as I walked past the night light and thought, “Wow, I’m getting huge!” So we decided to trace my profile onto some drawing paper and let the kids decorate it to show us what they thought Mojo looked like in there. I posted the pictures in the gallery with the belly cast shots. It was really fun to see how creative they got.

Yes, I am giving birth to puppies. Two, apparently, Moira’s dream come true. We drew mini-versions of my belly for the younger two kids to play with…

Then we ate cookies. WOW, those cookies! Peanut florentine types, wafer thin with chocolate sealing them shut. YUM. I’ll have to post the recipe later. Working on seeing how much weight I can pack on before the baby comes.

All of us playing with the IKEA train set in the girls’ room, Christopher says, “It’s fun when we all hang out together.” I say, “I know, it’s fun watching the babies play.”

Realizing I’ve done it AGAIN, I correct myself and say, “I should stop calling them ‘the babies’ huh?”

Christopher responds, “Maybe when they get older we can call them by their names?”

Update: I got B & E down for naps, set C up on my laptop with some games and lay down to get Mo to nap. I woke up about 30 minutes later when I heard Emy talking to C in the sunroom. I considered trying to keep sleeping but decided that was not wise if Emy was awake! So I head into the kitchen, start making myself a late lunch and Emy walks in to join me. A few minutes later Christopher walks in carrying my laptop and says he’s done and I see Bennett behind him! HUH?? He’s got his glasses on so he’s clearly not just woken up and I ask C, “How long has Bennett been up?”

“Oh, awhile, they were in the sunroom watching me play. I didn’t leave Bennett alone with the laptop but when he got up I went to get his glasses and I did leave Emy alone with your computer - but just for a second! And she didn’t hurt it, but Bennett needed his glasses.”

Oh. My. Word. While I slept, he was taking care of the other kids. (A) How amazingly blessed am I to have such a sweet & thoughtful kid?? (B) How terrible do I feel that I am such a slacker Mom??