Our kids all have brown eyes, BIG brown eyes. And brown hair and bear a strong family resemblance to each other.

Joseph’s eyes, however, are still not yet brown. I’m sure they will be, but at almost 3 weeks old his eyes are still a deep slate grey. Very beautiful, but not what we’re use to on our babies. The other kids had brown eyes really quickly so I’m wondering when his eyes will turn.

Joseph is asleep in the Ergo on me. I’m letting the kids watch movies while Kit’s at work. He checks in on me and asks only that I give him heads up before I lose it and he needs to race home. Knowing it’s an option to call him and have him rescue us helps.

Cuteness:

I doubled my omega-3 dose and Kit’s shoving me out the door in the mornings to go exercise. He shoves me lovingly out the door, I should say. He hands me the iPod before he kicks me out. Joseph is hit or miss at night. He does great some nights but other nights he is unhappy and fussy and a bit refluxy and he’ll go back down for Kit but if I’m holding him he wants to keep nursing for comfort and that sets up the burping/spit up/reflux cycle all over again. But anyway, we’re doing okay at least half the nights and getting some sleep at least.

Emy’s still potty training like a champ. Our next goal is for her to wear clothes again.

Bennett’s talking more and more clearly. For example, the other night when I was losing my mind and he was screaming at me at bedtime and I stuck him in the backyard barefoot in his pajamas. (It was still daylight, I was not cruelly dumping him out in the dark.) He came in and told on me, said very clearly to Kit, “Mommy put me in the backyard!!” The mosquitoes did not carry him away and the shock of suddenly being in the yard did make him stop yelling at me. And it prevented me from yelling at him.

Christopher now reads silently to himself. No more reading aloud, no more mouthing the words. He just reads, it seems so grown up. We’re halfway through Harry Potter II, reading it to each other. But I think the later books are too scary for him so we told him he can read up through 4 and then we have to see if he’s allowed to read the others or has to wait.

Wii Fit is too much fun. I am the house champion at the hula hoop. I rock. And it’s quite a work out! I’m also good at the yoga balance stuff. The kids all adore it and when one of us does the running they all run in place or if I do yoga, the kids copy me. Kit agrees that it really does seem good for the kids’ balance, especially Mo. He said several times he can tell she’s starting to tense up and feels off kilter but he spots her on the board and the games are so much fun she’s willing to try stuff she would not normally. I think it’s great for her.

I can tell I’m teetering with the depression. Some days, some hours are okay and others are a mess. We had a long talk Sunday and went over this list of signs of depression specific to PPD, things to watch for or listen for as a partner to someone that has had PPD in the past. Kit and I were both surprised to realize I had said most everything on the extensive list… that’s not good. I think because this is no where NEAR as bad as the PPD after Christopher’s pregnancy, we weren’t really taking it seriously. I’m still walking and talking and functional, I still get up and shower and I eat. So it’s NOT as bad as that first bout of depression, but that situation it was so bad that Kit couldn’t leave me alone with the baby. We really don’t ever want to get to that point again. Ever, ever. But I’ve also not been depressed after the other pregnancies so that fact that I’m fighting depression now has us concerned. I’m still hovering right around 100lbs, which is good (that I’ve not dropped more) and I think the fact that we’re being pretty aggressive about treating is what is keeping it at bay - that I’m not as bad as it could be. We would like to not need to pull out the big guns and use meds, but we will if necessary (and I can take them while nursing, that’s fine.)

Also, because I was fighting depression while pregnant I think this doesn’t seem as extreme… I was having rough days while pregnant and I’m not any worse now than I was a month ago. Which makes me think this isn’t post partum depression so much as just depression for me that happens to be coming after the baby. It also came while pregnant and when I wean I have a similar challenge with the hormone shifts and mood drop.

So, we’re doing okay. Not great, but okay. Some days stink, some days are good. The goal is for more good days to come and balance out the rough days. Then I hope for the rough days to become few and far between. I know my life is wonderful, I know my children are adorable, I know my husband is perfect, I know that I am grateful for all of this. I just need to get my body and crazy hormones to catch up. To find my perspective and balance, to establish a new equilibrium. We’ll find it. Just putting the words down helps me step back a bit and say, “Wait - I’m okay! This will be okay, I will feel okay again. Life is good, I will find peace again.” I should write that down and put it on my fridge.

It’s Kit’s 34th birthday (he had to tell me how old he was turning) and here are my rambling thoughts that are only somewhat related to the birthday of my beloved. Here’s Kit and his five children. Wow, five?? That’s still amazing to me.

This year’s best gift - two years ago I gave Kit a similar cute and squishy gift for his 32nd birthday (on the right.) That gift now runs around naked most of the time, but she’s still cute. August is a good month for babies, we now have 3 August birthdays.

Moira’s still very, VERY much in need of speech therapy and will be for the foreseeable future. The school district rep we talked to said they would continue her speech therapy until she turned six (mandatory age for school enrollment in Texas), but we were just informed they will NOT do that because we have the option of enrolling her in kindergarden. So even though kindergarden is optional here in Texas, they will not give her services unless we put her in school and that’s sure not going to happen. SO, that leaves us private therapy options. She’s scheduled for an assessment at one of the universities in town with a graduate speech pathology program - we’ve heard really good things about this program, but it has a waiting list (no clue how long) and in the meantime we’re left with only home therapy (we have a curriculum for motor stuff and some work from her speech therapist.) I’m so frustrated and upset that she WAS suppose to start speech this week and now we have nothing until we get through that waiting list and do the private therapy at the university. Which thankfully is close and not a billion dollars per session, but it’s an unexpected addition to the budget. The other option is therapy through insurance but the only pediatric providers are down near Fort Worth (at least an hour drive.) So, I’m feeling even more like a bad parent for not being more on the ball with getting her speech…

Friday we visited my sister and the kids tried out their Wii Fit. Mo didn’t get a chance that day but I kept thinking how great it would be for her balance. (Yes, this is irrational postpartum thinking, I realize - you can see where this is going, right?) So I persuaded Kit (it did not take much effort) that we needed to buy the Wii Fit for Mo for therapy. Really, it’s for therapy. So he went to grab the one he kind find in our entire city. (Town? City? Not sure what we count as… we have two universities here and we’re the county seat and I thought had over 100k residents so maybe we’re a small city? Big town?) Well, he grabbed one and the kids are all hooked and I must say, it’s been great for Mo’s balance. She loves it. Bennett loves the soccer goalie head butting thing, he stands on the board and Kit wiggles him side to side. He says Bennett is the best Wii controller yet. It’s quite a workout, Mo enjoys it and though pricy (we’ve never bought a Wii game, Kit got them all for free for reviews but he’s not doing that anymore) it’s still less expensive than one hour of private speech therapy. Trying to be positive…

We’re also claiming this as Kit’s birthday present, along with the How to Cook Everything Vegetarian book I got Kit. He loves it, my other sister showed him to him and he got hooked. And I’m all for anything that encourages this man’s wonderful skill in the kitchen.

Emy’s really potty training, she still pees like a puppy on the floor when she’s distracted but is mostly doing great in panties. She turns two on Saturday. I think her hair and eyelashes both decided to grow in this last week because they are coming in thick and it’s hard to be too frustrated when she’s batting those long lashes at us. As Kit said one day, watching her antics, “How can something so adorable also be so annoying?” (I think he said annoying… was it a different word, Kit?) But I have to agree, her behavior lately is trying. She’s aware enough to know she’s being naughty and she laughs with glee when I reprimand her while nursing on the couch because she knows I can’t chase her easily. She’s feisty. Oh, and she’s been waking up in the night (after sleeping through the night really well) so she can come out and pee. She’s waking up to to pee. Sigh… even though she’s in a diaper at bedtime.

Bennett’s adjusting well still. I don’t think he notices Joseph is here unless we point him out, but why would he? Joseph just sleeps and nurses and poops and cries sometimes so an active three year old doesn’t slow down enough to observe the baby when the baby seems to resemble furniture or a household decoration. He’ll say, “My brother, Joseph,” or “Baby Joseph” but otherwise ignores him. He’s busy, places to go, books to read, people to see… when his speech therapist was visiting he handed her a book and then started spelling the words on the cover and said, “box” and spelled it without seeing it. He also has been spelling his name and typed it on the computer to a friend on IM. He’s such a hoot…

Christopher and Moira are so incredibly helpful, which does not surprise me but makes me exceptionally grateful to have such thoughtful and kind kids. They clean, they bring me things, they watch Joseph while I go pee, they play with the other kids, they entertain themselves when I’m putting the other kids down for naps. They are wonderful children… we have good kids.

We’ve not been doing our weekend dates (Mommy dates Friday, Daddy dates Saturday, each kid gets a week a month to pick a special activity.) So Saturday Kit took some of his birthday money and took the older two out for a double date. They headed down to the town square and hit Beth Marie’s for ice cream (two sampler boats, SIX kinds of ice cream!!) and then a walk to our town used bookstore, Recycled Books, where Kit bought each of them a story. We’ve been making sure the older kids both get out of the house a few times a week for library trips or errands but I know they really, really need to get back onto a more normal schedule and see friends and Mo needs horseback therapy again (starting in a few weeks) and we’re all missing our homeschool co-ops (starting again soon.)

Next week we’re blessing Joseph at church and my parents will be here for the weekend. We’ll also do Emy’s birthday with them. Here’s her announcement Kit and Christopher made. I think if you click on it you can see it larger for detail. We make a picture “announcement” for each of the kids’ birthdays to send to grandparents, even if we don’t do it as a party invite. It’s a fun way to see how they’ve grown and we keep it in their scrapbooks:

See, really rambling about nothing related to Kit’s birthday… that’s my brain these days. All over the place. We’re having the mother’s helper discussion again, trying to figure out how to get Kit to the office for a few hours a day when Heidi is not stable. Joseph is actually doing okay most nights, he nurses and pulls off and passes out. Every few nights he’ll wake up and be crying awhile and I’m not sure if it’s what I’m eating or reflux (we know he has reflux) or gas or normal baby stuff. But he’ll be up for an hour or two those nights and then, of course, I’m exhausted the next day. But most nights he’s being lovely. Emy, when not up to pee, is sleeping fine. Bennett is hit or miss. Some nights he sleeps, other nights he’s up and down and sweaty and thirsty (I think we’ll be asking his doctors about it because this level of sweating and thirstiness and the shaking when not eating thing has me wondering…) And all of them are up bright eyed and bushy tailed between 6 and 7am, but lately Bennett has been up at 5am ready for breakfast. Even with us pushing high protein snacks right before bed. Kit gets up with Bennett and Emy, I get up with Joseph.

I’m grateful for the layout of this house, the kids’ bedrooms are on one side and our bedroom is on the other so the kids don’t hear each other during the night. I’m grateful Joseph can nurse laying down, his reflux is not as bad as the girls’ was. So I can snooze while nursing… I’m grateful he’s putting on weight so well. I’m grateful Emy is potty training, even if the timing is hard. I’m grateful Christopher and Moira are still doing lessons even with minimal help from me, and that they love to learn and are motivated enough to explore and read without me hounding them. I’m grateful Bennett is over his TV addiction, that it’s in the house but he ignores it in favor of pulling out the book bins stored in the shelves below the television. And that Bennett is speaking SO much more (though he does qualify for speech and his ARD meeting is in the morning to determine his new services with this school district.) He still throws fits, but he’s not raging and when we say, “Use your words!” he’ll generally calm down and use his words. I’m grateful that even though I have hit a really bad slump with the depression (we’re considering treatment options) that I can still feel grateful for this family. I was not feeling grateful yesterday, I would say Saturday I hit my lowest point. It was not pretty…

I am grateful for Kit. I promised him I was going to make up this birthday to him once I am feeling more normal. I don’t know how he does it, but he manages to take care of all of us with such patience and love and while going on no sleep. We sure love him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIT!

Today has been… hard.

All my confidence yesterday, or at least my attempts to pep talk myself, have fallen flat today. Even Kit’s encouragement is not enough to convince me I am capable of doing this. Nope. I am totally dropping the various balls I’m juggling. Plates I’m spinning. Water I’m treading. What’s the phrase? Whatever it is, I’m not doing it well anymore. I do not know how to mother five.

All day long I keep hearing this voice in my head, “Your kids deserve better than this.” I agree, they do. I felt this way after Christopher, too, I remember thinking there must be someone that was a wonderful enough mother to raise him because I was not good enough for the job. I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling like I’m cheating all of them - that none of them are getting enough of my time/undivided attention/energy… I don’t know how to find the balance, how to meet everyone’s needs and at least some of their wants, when there is just one of me and five of them. (Okay, reminding myself that I am only two weeks postpartum. Still feeling incompetent…)

I know I have to figure this out and I know there must be some way to do this because I know, I know I’m suppose to be doing this. That I’m their mother and I’m meant to be their mother and no one else can do this better than I can because I’m the one that was given these kids. Which means Kit and I are the ones that are promised the inspiration and guidance and help to raise these kids to grow and reach their potential…

I console myself by saying they are young and at least three of them won’t remember how badly I’m screwing up right now. And that this will pass. This is a short phase, that I’ll get the hang of it. Joseph will find a rhythm, everyone will grow and adapt, we’ll figure something out. It will NOT always be this way. It will get hard in different ways.

Maybe it’s the contrast - I was finding a good system with four kids and homeschooling and the new house and our various outside activities. I knew it would all be thrown off but perhaps it’s that contrast from pretty organized to utter chaos that is making it hard for me? I know that I am right now getting more done and I am more on top of things now than I was with even one or two kids. My expectations for myself have changed over the years. I’m still getting things done. I scheduled multiple appointments today, talked with the speech clinic and the vision services coordinator, filled out medical paperwork, cleaned the kitchen, fed the kids, did some lessons, read aloud to them, sent Kit to the library with some of the kids, emailed some friends, nursed a bazoogle times, changed a lot of diapers, cleaned up the living room, cuddled all the kids at some point… I still am getting things done. So why do I feel like such a failure as a mother right now??

Sigh… hoping, hoping, praying that I’ll feel better tomorrow.

I always hesitate when making a post like this public. I write posts like this, because I want the kids to have an accurate view of what life is like for us as a family and for me as a mom. So life from my point of view in relation to our family… but sometimes I make the posts private so the kids can have them when I don’t feel like sharing them with the world at large. I realize that could give a very distorted view of life in our home, if I share the good but hold back on the bad. So lately, I’m trying to throw it all out there. Good, bad, crazy, ugly, wonderful. After hearing from some blog readers that have also dealt with anxiety/depression/etc I thought maybe it would be nice if more of us WERE comfortable discussing these things.

So, there you go. Consider yourself warned.

Late night thought after talking more with Kit. I feel guilty for feeling bad. How’s that for a bizarre twist? I just had the most perfectly beautiful birth I could have imagined. It was better than I imagined, when I tried to visualize my “dream” birth experience - the reality was better. I have this wonderfully chubby, sweet, healthy baby boy. Four older kids that are sweethearts (we’ll gloss over the potty training mess and various antics for now.) We just bought our first - and hopefully only - home to raise our kids in and my husband has the nicest employers in the world. And I feel unworthy of it all, I feel like a big slacker that can’t get her act together. I am two weeks postpartum and beating myself up for not having things figured out yet, I would never expect anyone else in the world to be “normal” again this soon postpartum. It’s irrational, but I have such distorted thinking right now…

I told Kit I can’t figure out if this is postpartum hormone adjustments, or if I’m just feeling really inadequate because parenting five is a big adjustment. Probably both. It is hard, it is an adjustment, but that shouldn’t make me feel like a failure - so I’m thinking the emotions are partially postpartum/hormonal because I don’t normally feel this hopeless. I had confidence I would get the hang of things and that I would be able to parent five beautifully, and that confidence flew out the window yesterday.

Thank you for your kind words. It helps to know this time period is hard and it’s not just me.

We moved our dinner & movie from Friday night to Thursday night to help Mommy stay sane. Kit came in from the kitchen carrying bowls of snacks for the kids - five bowls. You know, because we have five kids. Neither of us noticed the error until Kit was left holding one bowl after handing out the others and was counting kids trying to figure out where his math had gone wrong. OH, right, Joseph doesn’t eat yet. I’m enjoying his bowl of snacks.

I’m happy to see Kit’s made the transition to five so well.

One handed blogging while nursing - ideas for music I can buy. Happy, beautiful, uplifting - classical good to introduce kids to, or hymns, or anything you find that lifts your mood? We like acoustic/live stuff, simple accompaniment, or just instrumental - nothing super fancy. I heard of some guitar hymn cd but got no title… or happy classics (don’t want a weeping Mozart repeat.) Searching for music to lift my mood - I need it, suggestions?

- Kit leaves for work and we bunker down in the sunroom for lessons and playtime.
- The TV is out, but unplugged. Knowing it’s an option is nice, though we’re not using it currently… hoping they continue to ignore it, it was gone long enough that they seem to not notice it’s there.
- Emy is serious about potty training so we’re going to embrace it. I moved the potty chair, a ton of spare panties, the hand sanitizer, and a roll of toilet paper to the sunroom to make it easier. We’ll see how it goes but so far, so good. Less wandering around the house will at least mean fewer places to check for “surprises” she leaves…
- I’m giving snacks on a schedule, before Bennett has a chance to go scavenging in the kitchen.
- These totally brightened our day (Thank you!!):

- And so did this, you can’t help but smile at those cheeks:

- I DID IT!! Got in Joseph’s 2 week well check, got Kit off to work, did lessons, got playtime in the yard (we won’t discuss what happened there) and did snacks and read stories and did lunch (a healthy one!) AND got Bennett and Emiline down for naps at the same time while nursing Joseph!! This may never, ever happen again but I did it!! I even did some dishes and pulled out dinner prep stuff. And made bread! (Kit’s putting it in the pans for me now while I nurse.) Kit actually was gone for five whole hours and I did not have a nervous break down and no one needed stitches and nothing serious got broken. HOORAY!! I HAVE HOPE I CAN PARENT FIVE OF THEM!!

- Silly me, 2 week weigh in… they like the baby to be back to their birth weight at 2 weeks, assuming they lost up to 10% of their body weight at first. Joseph was cooperative, he gained back lost weight and still managed to hit 9lbs 4ozs. Go, Little Chunk! I’m 101lbs, not so good, but still above 100lbs. Passed hearing screening, healthy baby boy. Here we are post check up, photo by Christopher:

- This is turning out to be a lovely day, just back from our first family walk (greeted by the delicious smell of baking wheat bread when we returned) and here are Joseph’s cute little feet sticking out of the Ergo:

I’m not sure how to respond when people (very kindly) ask about how I’m doing in relation to the postpartum depression. I’m not depressed, but there are times I really feel depressed. But it comes and goes, and every day there are beautiful bright spots that keep me going and make me smile and laugh. Sometimes I do feel the crushing weight on my chest and remember very vividly how the depression felt - but it’s more memories of depression, not active depression. If that makes any sense… I think we’re staying on top of it with a lot of awareness and effort and sunshine and food and omega-3s and cute kids. But it’s constantly there, nagging at the back of my mind. So, I try to keep going and focus on the kids and remember we’ve got all the time in the world to get the hang of this. I’m writing up a list of things that have been helping…

I’m still sorting through blog posts (thus the vanishing posts) and figuring out how I’m going to blog/record/journal/consolidate these first couple weeks.

Sorry, you get extreme close ups of my face for this one.

Here are the new glasses ($8) I ordered and the prescription sunglasses ($15) and I wish I had heard about this place years ago!! Took less than 2 weeks to arrive, super easy to order on-line, and when the kids break them I won’t be so sad since they are CHEAP. But cheap in price, the quality is comparable to the ones I ordered at Sams and Costco.

It’s Zenni Optical and we’re going to try some for Bennett once Emy outgrows the stage of yanking them off his face and running away screaming, “MY GLASSY, MY GLASSY!”

In no particular order, things from our first week with Joseph:
- Tucking Emy into bed tonight, I say, “I love Emy!” and with a huge grin and hug she squeezes me and announces, “LOVE ME!”
- Bennett and Emy have formed a partnership. On one hand it’s great to see them playing SO well together. On the other hand, they are playing so well together in all sorts of new and dangerous and messy ways:

- Reading 3rd Nephi with Christ visiting the Nephites, we’re discussing sacred vs. secret. Christopher is trying to understand the distinction and says, “Guys, was this sacred - having Joseph?” Yes. Yes, it was.
- Bennett can sign “B-E-N” and is trying to spell his name but it’s usually B-E-N-T-T-N-E-B or some such variation. Lots of Ns and Ts. Ben knows most of the ABCs in sign language and always asks us to sing that at circle time.
- Emy has decided Joseph will be an early reader:

- Moira has been signing the alphabet to Joseph. She’s also been singing to him a lot, it’s so sweet to hear.
- Tuesday morning we were in the sunroom and Moira, Bennett & Emiline went out to play in the yard. They were out there almost an hour (before the heat hit!) and we caught this picture of them:

- I’m 106lbs, trying to hold onto that weight! The goal is to stay above 100lbs.
- Kit ran to check in at the office before they took off this week for a big convention, Joseph was asleep, and I had four very awake kids so a nap was not an option. We put the time to good use:

- Joseph can lift his head and turn it side to side and push away from our chests when we are holding him. Impressive head control.
- Christopher & Moira both received thank you gifts from us for their extra special help this last month. They’ve done not just their chores but lots of extra things to help out around the house and are amazing at assisting me with Joseph and the younger kids. So we got them some special Big Brother/Big Sister gifts:
More on Christopher’s book later, he’s thrilled… yes, our kids get that excited over books. Educational books at that. This is what happens when you hide the tv, they have to get excited about something.
- Each month we’re going to take a picture of Joseph next to this little rhino a new friend gave us. Starting with one week (since I didn’t get a shot at birth with it!) then one month on through his first birthday:

That’s not the official shot, I’m saving the 12 for later. That’s just to show the rhino.
- Bennett has a little poster/worksheet thing he’s decided is his laptop. He carries it around, sets it up and pretends to type:

These are the things I don’t want to forget. I’ve had some moments that have emotionally caught me off guard but all in all? A pretty wonderful week. You know, beautiful and healthy new baby and four spectacular big siblings and a husband beyond compare. Not a bad week, I must say…

I’ll be posting more pictures in the gallery tonight.

Please take a moment and click on this link to make a difference. Read about Charles Fletcher, the founder of Spirit Horse Therapy. Then click on the link just below the story that says, “Must Read - YES, I vote for this story!”

(Kit says: I’m a visual guy — look for this:)

If Spirit Horse is selected, they will receive a grant making it possible for more children to receive their services completely free. Watch the movie, it made me cry.

You can read more about Spirit Horse on their website. You can see some pictures of Moira & Bennett riding at Spirit Horse over the last few years. Moira began riding when she was 2 years old, Bennett began riding when he was only 11 months adjusted age. We’ve seen amazing progress with both kids from their riding therapy and we want other children to benefit. Spirit Horse charges NOTHING for these services, it’s funded completely through grants and donations - so voting for them to get this grant from Reader’s Digest would make a life changing difference for even more kids.

I wish I could show you the joy on the kids’ faces when they are on the backs of “their ponies” - they look like they could fly. I know it makes a difference to our children and all the kids that work so hard day to day while dealing with their special challenges.

(And if you do vote for them, leave a comment or shoot me an email - we start the fall riding semester in a few weeks and it would be neat to tell them people were voting for them. hthaden at gmail dot com)

Moira on her pony, Snowflake.

Here is a movie from Bennett’s last day of spring semester.

I have no idea how much sway the voting will have on anything or how RDs ultimately decides, but it will count as your good deed for the day and the video will certainly make you smile. It always makes me feel good to know there are people like Charles in this world.

I remember when I was pregnant with Christopher that I wondered how I could ever love another person as much as I loved Kit. Not that a love for spouse or child are comparable, but I was so in love with Kit that I just didn’t know how I could adore anyone on any level approaching that. Then I had Christopher and even with the PPD I fell very much in love with him and have loved him more and more and more every day since. Even on those days he made me bonkers.

Same thing, pregnant with Moira I did have the thought that I couldn’t love another child with quite the same adoration that I loved Christopher. Then she was in my arms and I started to slowly catch on - OH, you mean I’m going to love all of them this much?? Even writing that brings tears to my eyes…

So, I no longer fear that a new baby will be less loved. Bennett and Emy came along and entered the wild rumpus and there’s enough love… I’m confident that when they arrive and I see that face that I will love them as if I’ve known them forever. Because I believe that I have. I believe this little passel of monkeys was meant to be with us, that each one is our child forever and that years and years ago I began to get a hint of the joy that was to come with our sons and daughters. Before they began to arrive… but that’s a long other story.

My point is that there is plenty of love to go around. There are two beautiful aspects of this (well, at least two.) With each baby, the love just grows. You’ve all heard that cliche but it’s true. I heard it compared to a candle - each candle lit by another does not diminish the light of the first. It just provides even more light. There’s more and more love with each baby that comes. More chaos, and less sleep, but there is more love. You fall just as hard for baby number five as you do for baby number one.

Actually, that’s not true. You fall harder.

You do. When Moira came and I first let Christopher hold her, I fell in love with both of them. I loved Christopher even MORE because I saw him grow and I watched their relationship develop. Each child you welcome into your family makes you love your other children with a deeper and deeper appreciation because you see how each member of the family grows and stretches to welcome that new little one.

I won’t even get into how it alters your relationship with your spouse, because that’s a whole other post. You think you love your spouse on your wedding day? Just wait… just wait. And as hard as you may love them on the day you first see them smile at your new baby? You think you love them after that first little one comes, but then another comes and you love them more. I’ll have to save this for a new post. But Joseph’s birth day was… I’m staring at my computer at a loss for words.

It topped my wedding day. And that’s saying something. And I know Kit won’t be bothered by that because today I overheard him tell a friend that this birth experience is comparable only to the day we were in the temple together, being sealed as an eternal family. SO, I know he feels the same way…

Last night Joseph was being fussy. I nursed and nursed and nursed and then Kit took him. Sat next to our bed in the glider and held our son. I could see his profile in the dark room, backlit by a light by our sink. Just the outline of my husband, rocking my baby to sleep. And as exhausted as I was, as bone weary, I could not sleep. I lay there, trying to forever imprint that image in my mind. Wondering how I could ever love them more, love each of them, fully appreciate this life and these loved ones. Knowing, finally starting to realize, that I’m going to fall more and more and more in love with each of them every day.

Postpartum is hard, but there are also precious moments of peace and perspective…