Joseph’s eyes, however, are still not yet brown. I’m sure they will be, but at almost 3 weeks old his eyes are still a deep slate grey. Very beautiful, but not what we’re use to on our babies. The other kids had brown eyes really quickly so I’m wondering when his eyes will turn.

Cuteness:

I doubled my omega-3 dose and Kit’s shoving me out the door in the mornings to go exercise. He shoves me lovingly out the door, I should say. He hands me the iPod before he kicks me out. Joseph is hit or miss at night. He does great some nights but other nights he is unhappy and fussy and a bit refluxy and he’ll go back down for Kit but if I’m holding him he wants to keep nursing for comfort and that sets up the burping/spit up/reflux cycle all over again. But anyway, we’re doing okay at least half the nights and getting some sleep at least.

Emy’s still potty training like a champ. Our next goal is for her to wear clothes again.

Bennett’s talking more and more clearly. For example, the other night when I was losing my mind and he was screaming at me at bedtime and I stuck him in the backyard barefoot in his pajamas. (It was still daylight, I was not cruelly dumping him out in the dark.) He came in and told on me, said very clearly to Kit, “Mommy put me in the backyard!!” The mosquitoes did not carry him away and the shock of suddenly being in the yard did make him stop yelling at me. And it prevented me from yelling at him.

Christopher now reads silently to himself. No more reading aloud, no more mouthing the words. He just reads, it seems so grown up. We’re halfway through Harry Potter II, reading it to each other. But I think the later books are too scary for him so we told him he can read up through 4 and then we have to see if he’s allowed to read the others or has to wait.

Wii Fit is too much fun. I am the house champion at the hula hoop. I rock. And it’s quite a work out! I’m also good at the yoga balance stuff. The kids all adore it and when one of us does the running they all run in place or if I do yoga, the kids copy me. Kit agrees that it really does seem good for the kids’ balance, especially Mo. He said several times he can tell she’s starting to tense up and feels off kilter but he spots her on the board and the games are so much fun she’s willing to try stuff she would not normally. I think it’s great for her.

I can tell I’m teetering with the depression. Some days, some hours are okay and others are a mess. We had a long talk Sunday and went over this list of signs of depression specific to PPD, things to watch for or listen for as a partner to someone that has had PPD in the past. Kit and I were both surprised to realize I had said most everything on the extensive list… that’s not good. I think because this is no where NEAR as bad as the PPD after Christopher’s pregnancy, we weren’t really taking it seriously. I’m still walking and talking and functional, I still get up and shower and I eat. So it’s NOT as bad as that first bout of depression, but that situation it was so bad that Kit couldn’t leave me alone with the baby. We really don’t ever want to get to that point again. Ever, ever. But I’ve also not been depressed after the other pregnancies so that fact that I’m fighting depression now has us concerned. I’m still hovering right around 100lbs, which is good (that I’ve not dropped more) and I think the fact that we’re being pretty aggressive about treating is what is keeping it at bay - that I’m not as bad as it could be. We would like to not need to pull out the big guns and use meds, but we will if necessary (and I can take them while nursing, that’s fine.)

Also, because I was fighting depression while pregnant I think this doesn’t seem as extreme… I was having rough days while pregnant and I’m not any worse now than I was a month ago. Which makes me think this isn’t post partum depression so much as just depression for me that happens to be coming after the baby. It also came while pregnant and when I wean I have a similar challenge with the hormone shifts and mood drop.

So, we’re doing okay. Not great, but okay. Some days stink, some days are good. The goal is for more good days to come and balance out the rough days. Then I hope for the rough days to become few and far between. I know my life is wonderful, I know my children are adorable, I know my husband is perfect, I know that I am grateful for all of this. I just need to get my body and crazy hormones to catch up. To find my perspective and balance, to establish a new equilibrium. We’ll find it. Just putting the words down helps me step back a bit and say, “Wait - I’m okay! This will be okay, I will feel okay again. Life is good, I will find peace again.” I should write that down and put it on my fridge.

This year’s best gift - two years ago I gave Kit a similar cute and squishy gift for his 32nd birthday (on the right.) That gift now runs around naked most of the time, but she’s still cute. August is a good month for babies, we now have 3 August birthdays.

Moira’s still very, VERY much in need of speech therapy and will be for the foreseeable future. The school district rep we talked to said they would continue her speech therapy until she turned six (mandatory age for school enrollment in Texas), but we were just informed they will NOT do that because we have the option of enrolling her in kindergarden. So even though kindergarden is optional here in Texas, they will not give her services unless we put her in school and that’s sure not going to happen. SO, that leaves us private therapy options. She’s scheduled for an assessment at one of the universities in town with a graduate speech pathology program - we’ve heard really good things about this program, but it has a waiting list (no clue how long) and in the meantime we’re left with only home therapy (we have a curriculum for motor stuff and some work from her speech therapist.) I’m so frustrated and upset that she WAS suppose to start speech this week and now we have nothing until we get through that waiting list and do the private therapy at the university. Which thankfully is close and not a billion dollars per session, but it’s an unexpected addition to the budget. The other option is therapy through insurance but the only pediatric providers are down near Fort Worth (at least an hour drive.) So, I’m feeling even more like a bad parent for not being more on the ball with getting her speech…

Friday we visited my sister and the kids tried out their Wii Fit. Mo didn’t get a chance that day but I kept thinking how great it would be for her balance. (Yes, this is irrational postpartum thinking, I realize - you can see where this is going, right?) So I persuaded Kit (it did not take much effort) that we needed to buy the Wii Fit for Mo for therapy. Really, it’s for therapy. So he went to grab the one he kind find in our entire city. (Town? City? Not sure what we count as… we have two universities here and we’re the county seat and I thought had over 100k residents so maybe we’re a small city? Big town?) Well, he grabbed one and the kids are all hooked and I must say, it’s been great for Mo’s balance. She loves it. Bennett loves the soccer goalie head butting thing, he stands on the board and Kit wiggles him side to side. He says Bennett is the best Wii controller yet. It’s quite a workout, Mo enjoys it and though pricy (we’ve never bought a Wii game, Kit got them all for free for reviews but he’s not doing that anymore) it’s still less expensive than one hour of private speech therapy. Trying to be positive…

We’re also claiming this as Kit’s birthday present, along with the How to Cook Everything Vegetarian book I got Kit. He loves it, my other sister showed him to him and he got hooked. And I’m all for anything that encourages this man’s wonderful skill in the kitchen.

Emy’s really potty training, she still pees like a puppy on the floor when she’s distracted but is mostly doing great in panties. She turns two on Saturday. I think her hair and eyelashes both decided to grow in this last week because they are coming in thick and it’s hard to be too frustrated when she’s batting those long lashes at us. As Kit said one day, watching her antics, “How can something so adorable also be so annoying?” (I think he said annoying… was it a different word, Kit?) But I have to agree, her behavior lately is trying. She’s aware enough to know she’s being naughty and she laughs with glee when I reprimand her while nursing on the couch because she knows I can’t chase her easily. She’s feisty. Oh, and she’s been waking up in the night (after sleeping through the night really well) so she can come out and pee. She’s waking up to to pee. Sigh… even though she’s in a diaper at bedtime.

Bennett’s adjusting well still. I don’t think he notices Joseph is here unless we point him out, but why would he? Joseph just sleeps and nurses and poops and cries sometimes so an active three year old doesn’t slow down enough to observe the baby when the baby seems to resemble furniture or a household decoration. He’ll say, “My brother, Joseph,” or “Baby Joseph” but otherwise ignores him. He’s busy, places to go, books to read, people to see… when his speech therapist was visiting he handed her a book and then started spelling the words on the cover and said, “box” and spelled it without seeing it. He also has been spelling his name and typed it on the computer to a friend on IM. He’s such a hoot…

Christopher and Moira are so incredibly helpful, which does not surprise me but makes me exceptionally grateful to have such thoughtful and kind kids. They clean, they bring me things, they watch Joseph while I go pee, they play with the other kids, they entertain themselves when I’m putting the other kids down for naps. They are wonderful children… we have good kids.

We’ve not been doing our weekend dates (Mommy dates Friday, Daddy dates Saturday, each kid gets a week a month to pick a special activity.) So Saturday Kit took some of his birthday money and took the older two out for a double date. They headed down to the town square and hit Beth Marie’s for ice cream (two sampler boats, SIX kinds of ice cream!!) and then a walk to our town used bookstore, Recycled Books, where Kit bought each of them a story. We’ve been making sure the older kids both get out of the house a few times a week for library trips or errands but I know they really, really need to get back onto a more normal schedule and see friends and Mo needs horseback therapy again (starting in a few weeks) and we’re all missing our homeschool co-ops (starting again soon.)

Next week we’re blessing Joseph at church and my parents will be here for the weekend. We’ll also do Emy’s birthday with them. Here’s her announcement Kit and Christopher made. I think if you click on it you can see it larger for detail. We make a picture “announcement” for each of the kids’ birthdays to send to grandparents, even if we don’t do it as a party invite. It’s a fun way to see how they’ve grown and we keep it in their scrapbooks:

See, really rambling about nothing related to Kit’s birthday… that’s my brain these days. All over the place. We’re having the mother’s helper discussion again, trying to figure out how to get Kit to the office for a few hours a day when Heidi is not stable. Joseph is actually doing okay most nights, he nurses and pulls off and passes out. Every few nights he’ll wake up and be crying awhile and I’m not sure if it’s what I’m eating or reflux (we know he has reflux) or gas or normal baby stuff. But he’ll be up for an hour or two those nights and then, of course, I’m exhausted the next day. But most nights he’s being lovely. Emy, when not up to pee, is sleeping fine. Bennett is hit or miss. Some nights he sleeps, other nights he’s up and down and sweaty and thirsty (I think we’ll be asking his doctors about it because this level of sweating and thirstiness and the shaking when not eating thing has me wondering…) And all of them are up bright eyed and bushy tailed between 6 and 7am, but lately Bennett has been up at 5am ready for breakfast. Even with us pushing high protein snacks right before bed. Kit gets up with Bennett and Emy, I get up with Joseph.

I’m grateful for the layout of this house, the kids’ bedrooms are on one side and our bedroom is on the other so the kids don’t hear each other during the night. I’m grateful Joseph can nurse laying down, his reflux is not as bad as the girls’ was. So I can snooze while nursing… I’m grateful he’s putting on weight so well. I’m grateful Emy is potty training, even if the timing is hard. I’m grateful Christopher and Moira are still doing lessons even with minimal help from me, and that they love to learn and are motivated enough to explore and read without me hounding them. I’m grateful Bennett is over his TV addiction, that it’s in the house but he ignores it in favor of pulling out the book bins stored in the shelves below the television. And that Bennett is speaking SO much more (though he does qualify for speech and his ARD meeting is in the morning to determine his new services with this school district.) He still throws fits, but he’s not raging and when we say, “Use your words!” he’ll generally calm down and use his words. I’m grateful that even though I have hit a really bad slump with the depression (we’re considering treatment options) that I can still feel grateful for this family. I was not feeling grateful yesterday, I would say Saturday I hit my lowest point. It was not pretty…

I am grateful for Kit. I promised him I was going to make up this birthday to him once I am feeling more normal. I don’t know how he does it, but he manages to take care of all of us with such patience and love and while going on no sleep. We sure love him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIT!

All my confidence yesterday, or at least my attempts to pep talk myself, have fallen flat today. Even Kit’s encouragement is not enough to convince me I am capable of doing this. Nope. I am totally dropping the various balls I’m juggling. Plates I’m spinning. Water I’m treading. What’s the phrase? Whatever it is, I’m not doing it well anymore. I do not know how to mother five.

All day long I keep hearing this voice in my head, “Your kids deserve better than this.” I agree, they do. I felt this way after Christopher, too, I remember thinking there must be someone that was a wonderful enough mother to raise him because I was not good enough for the job. I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling like I’m cheating all of them - that none of them are getting enough of my time/undivided attention/energy… I don’t know how to find the balance, how to meet everyone’s needs and at least some of their wants, when there is just one of me and five of them. (Okay, reminding myself that I am only two weeks postpartum. Still feeling incompetent…)

I know I have to figure this out and I know there must be some way to do this because I know, I know I’m suppose to be doing this. That I’m their mother and I’m meant to be their mother and no one else can do this better than I can because I’m the one that was given these kids. Which means Kit and I are the ones that are promised the inspiration and guidance and help to raise these kids to grow and reach their potential…

I console myself by saying they are young and at least three of them won’t remember how badly I’m screwing up right now. And that this will pass. This is a short phase, that I’ll get the hang of it. Joseph will find a rhythm, everyone will grow and adapt, we’ll figure something out. It will NOT always be this way. It will get hard in different ways.

Maybe it’s the contrast - I was finding a good system with four kids and homeschooling and the new house and our various outside activities. I knew it would all be thrown off but perhaps it’s that contrast from pretty organized to utter chaos that is making it hard for me? I know that I am right now getting more done and I am more on top of things now than I was with even one or two kids. My expectations for myself have changed over the years. I’m still getting things done. I scheduled multiple appointments today, talked with the speech clinic and the vision services coordinator, filled out medical paperwork, cleaned the kitchen, fed the kids, did some lessons, read aloud to them, sent Kit to the library with some of the kids, emailed some friends, nursed a bazoogle times, changed a lot of diapers, cleaned up the living room, cuddled all the kids at some point… I still am getting things done. So why do I feel like such a failure as a mother right now??

Sigh… hoping, hoping, praying that I’ll feel better tomorrow.

I always hesitate when making a post like this public. I write posts like this, because I want the kids to have an accurate view of what life is like for us as a family and for me as a mom. So life from my point of view in relation to our family… but sometimes I make the posts private so the kids can have them when I don’t feel like sharing them with the world at large. I realize that could give a very distorted view of life in our home, if I share the good but hold back on the bad. So lately, I’m trying to throw it all out there. Good, bad, crazy, ugly, wonderful. After hearing from some blog readers that have also dealt with anxiety/depression/etc I thought maybe it would be nice if more of us WERE comfortable discussing these things.

So, there you go. Consider yourself warned.

Late night thought after talking more with Kit. I feel guilty for feeling bad. How’s that for a bizarre twist? I just had the most perfectly beautiful birth I could have imagined. It was better than I imagined, when I tried to visualize my “dream” birth experience - the reality was better. I have this wonderfully chubby, sweet, healthy baby boy. Four older kids that are sweethearts (we’ll gloss over the potty training mess and various antics for now.) We just bought our first - and hopefully only - home to raise our kids in and my husband has the nicest employers in the world. And I feel unworthy of it all, I feel like a big slacker that can’t get her act together. I am two weeks postpartum and beating myself up for not having things figured out yet, I would never expect anyone else in the world to be “normal” again this soon postpartum. It’s irrational, but I have such distorted thinking right now…

I told Kit I can’t figure out if this is postpartum hormone adjustments, or if I’m just feeling really inadequate because parenting five is a big adjustment. Probably both. It is hard, it is an adjustment, but that shouldn’t make me feel like a failure - so I’m thinking the emotions are partially postpartum/hormonal because I don’t normally feel this hopeless. I had confidence I would get the hang of things and that I would be able to parent five beautifully, and that confidence flew out the window yesterday.

Thank you for your kind words. It helps to know this time period is hard and it’s not just me.

I’m happy to see Kit’s made the transition to five so well.

First, do NOT look through your preemie’s baby book (Emy and Bennett were checking it out) when you are postpartum. I didn’t realize how much Joseph and Bennett looked alike until I saw what appeared to be a miniature Joseph with an intubation tube shoved down his throat and IVs in his tiny arms. It made me feel ill. I can normally look at Bennett’s pictures and be okay but wow - NOT postpartum. Way, way too hard to remember what he went through…

Back to more mundane stuff:

Staging for nighttime survival - have by bed plenty of diapers, wipes, ointment/powder, gas drops (buy infant ones in advance!!) and breast pads, sleeper gowns in case of explosion, burp cloths, receiving blankets, change of shirt and nursing bra for me, water bottle (nursing makes me so thirsty) and a good night light with on/off switch or something to give enough light to change diapers but not enough to wake up baby. I’m keeping most of this in an IKEA blue bin in my nightstand. Love my IKEA bins. I want everything by my bed so I can wake up as little as possible and avoid stumbling around in the dark searching for things.

Staging for daytime survival - have diaper stuff with all of above in most commonly used area, along with phone, laptop, water bottle, and a couple good books/treats/distractions for the kids to use while I am nursing. Bubbles, crayons, coloring books, puzzles, toys they can only play with WHILE I AM NURSING in hopes it will capture their attention and minimize the damage they can inflict on the house while I am nursing and they wander off to explore. Also get some movies out and realize the tv will help me survive this stage and then we can hide it again.

Coping with the postpartum emotions/depression/anxiety - things that are helping:
- taking time each day to read a talk from the conference Ensign, my scriptures (reading New Testament) or my patriarchal blessing. SOMETHING uplifting that gives me focus and reminds me why this is the most important thing in the world I can possibly be doing and there is no where I would rather be.
- playing the piano, the simplified hymns.
- reading a book I love to the kids (C.S. Lewis and Harry Potter right now.)
- taking a walk, alone or with the family. Sunshine and exercise.
- sitting in the hammock a few minutes.
- protein snacks throughout the day, good breakfast and consistent meals so my blood sugar doesn’t drop.
- a long, hot shower every morning before Kit goes to work.
- talking to a friend on email, phone, or in person every day.
- blogging and/or journaling.
- reminding myself that I got through this before and I will get through it again and it’s so very much worth the temporary insanity. It passes and the beautiful baby is forever.
- hugs from my kids.
- hugs from my Kit.

- I DID IT!! Got in Joseph’s 2 week well check, got Kit off to work, did lessons, got playtime in the yard (we won’t discuss what happened there) and did snacks and read stories and did lunch (a healthy one!) AND got Bennett and Emiline down for naps at the same time while nursing Joseph!! This may never, ever happen again but I did it!! I even did some dishes and pulled out dinner prep stuff. And made bread! (Kit’s putting it in the pans for me now while I nurse.) Kit actually was gone for five whole hours and I did not have a nervous break down and no one needed stitches and nothing serious got broken. HOORAY!! I HAVE HOPE I CAN PARENT FIVE OF THEM!!

- Silly me, 2 week weigh in… they like the baby to be back to their birth weight at 2 weeks, assuming they lost up to 10% of their body weight at first. Joseph was cooperative, he gained back lost weight and still managed to hit 9lbs 4ozs. Go, Little Chunk! I’m 101lbs, not so good, but still above 100lbs. Passed hearing screening, healthy baby boy. Here we are post check up, photo by Christopher:

- This is turning out to be a lovely day, just back from our first family walk (greeted by the delicious smell of baking wheat bread when we returned) and here are Joseph’s cute little feet sticking out of the Ergo:

I’m not sure how to respond when people (very kindly) ask about how I’m doing in relation to the postpartum depression. I’m not depressed, but there are times I really feel depressed. But it comes and goes, and every day there are beautiful bright spots that keep me going and make me smile and laugh. Sometimes I do feel the crushing weight on my chest and remember very vividly how the depression felt - but it’s more memories of depression, not active depression. If that makes any sense… I think we’re staying on top of it with a lot of awareness and effort and sunshine and food and omega-3s and cute kids. But it’s constantly there, nagging at the back of my mind. So, I try to keep going and focus on the kids and remember we’ve got all the time in the world to get the hang of this. I’m writing up a list of things that have been helping…

I injured myself on the sunroom doorway and scratched my head and my nose, and hurt my cheek.

(Christopher asked to borrow my laptop last night and started to type a blog post, so Kit went ahead and set him up as his own user on the blog. He wrote that all by himself and used us just for spellcheck. Kit helped upload the pictures, though.)