ThadenPierce School

“Many years ago I had the great pleasure of having the assignment as second counselor in the Sunday School presidency with specific responsibility for what was then the Junior Sunday School. Each Sunday I would watch a particular father bring his son to church. The boy would be crying and screaming, begging not to be turned over to the teacher. I watched the father take him to the classroom, push him through the door, and then hold onto the doorknob on the other side—so his son could not come back out—until the teacher had managed to get control of him and settle him down in the class. It was almost as if the father were saying, ‘I haven’t the patience or the time to train this young man. I am turning him over to you, Teacher, to teach him how to be reverent in his Sunday School class.’ I had almost the same feeling the other day when Elder Featherstone and I spent a few hours with the president of Brigham Young University. We had asked for an appointment to discuss with him what the priesthood leadership could do to help enforce the standards required of the students when they are accepted at Brigham Young University. As we sat with the leader of this great institution, I was reminded of this experience in Junior Sunday School many years ago. I had the feeling that many parents were bringing their children to the doorstep of BYU, pushing them through the door, then holding onto the doorknob, expecting school administration to assume the responsibility for completing the training of their children. I have also had the same feeling about some of the missionaries I have had opportunities to interview in the field. Some parents must feel that ‘if I can only get my child on a mission, it will make up for those years when I have failed to teach him the principles of the gospel.’”
(L. Tom Perry, Ensign, Nov. 1988, 73)

You can see the squirrel feeder they made behind Mr/Ms Squirrel. The squirrel is getting a drink from that knot just below its front legs, it fills with water. I shot this from our kitchen sink.

And it’s our pet, because I’ve reiterated to the children that there is no way we’re adding a four legged animal to our current menagerie. We’ve got enough monkeys around here.

“What rewards and punishments do is induce compliance, and this they do very well indeed. If your objective is to get people to obey an order, to show up on time and do what they’re told, then bribing or threatening them may be sensible strategies. But if your objective is to get long-term quality in the workplace, to help students become careful thinkers and self-directed learners, or to support children in developing good values, then rewards, like punishments, are absolutely useless. In fact, as we are beginning to see, they are worse than useless – they are actually counterproductive.”

“Rewards are not actually solutions at all; they are gimmicks, shortcuts, quick fizes that mask problems and ignore reasons. They never look below the surface.”

“‘Do this and you’ll get that’ makes people focus on the ‘that’ and not the ‘this.’”

“Good parenting is not defined by which decision one makes in each instance so much as by the willingness to think about these decisions – as opposed to the tendency to say no habitually and to demand mindless obedience to mindless restrictions.”

“When significant discipline problems do occur they can be transformed into intellectual challenges that make every child a legislator – a moral philosopher. Instead of exercises in the control of behavior, there are adventures in ethics.” (John Nichholls, quoted by – Alfie Kohn, Punished by Rewards)

“Another response I’ve encountered quite often is the charge that any criticism of rewards in a particular setting (for example, grades in school) is misguided because ‘our whole society is run on rewards and punishments.’ … But how does the pervasiveness of a practice constitute a defense of it? If there’s good reason to oppose something, then evidence about how deeply entrenched it is would just seem to underscore the importance of trying to bring about change.”

“Then there are the people whose sharpest criticism of parents is that they ‘let their child control them’ – which often means that these parents are just trying to give their child some control over her own life. Conversely, parents are widely admired for getting their chidlren to obey. We live in a culture where the highest compliment a parent can receive is that his or her kid is ‘well behaved’ (read: docile). When strangers in restaurants tell us how ‘good’ or daughter is, they don’t mean that she is admirable in an ethical sense but merely that she hasn’t been a nuisance to them.”

Or Heidi’s interpretation in a nutshell – are you trying to train kids to be compliant, or encourage children to make righteous choices and well thought out decisions for themselves? Because eventually you’re going to run out of stuff to bribe them with (or the stakes will keep going up) and then what? Were they cooperating for the prize? What motivated them? When the rewards stop or they grow up and leave home, what will guide their decisions?

While it’s nice to have obedient kids, what’s the long term goal? Compliance? Or helping raise an ethical person? In which case we have to take the time and expend the effort to TEACH our children, yes – to explain why things are they way they are and what consequences are. We cannot just demand obedience and punish if we don’t get what we want… not if we want to motivate and inspire our kids to make wise choices for themselves…

Moira does walk in occupational therapy with the school district and we’re a small district, she may be the only student in this situation. I know other kids getting walk in speech but I think we’re the only OT & speech combo – most parents have their kids enrolled in the PPCD program when they need these special services but we declined.

Which just means on Weds & Fridays we drive or walk to school, if it’s short we hang out or we drop off Mo and come back. But the last month the therapist asked us to meet her at a different school so we could use another set of equipment. There’s a primary school (just kindergarden, PPCD and PreK) and an elementary school (1st through 3rd grade, I think.) The primary school knows me well at this point but we’ve gone in to the office and met all the staff and asked about sign out, sign out, what the protocol is when we’re on their campus. (Pretty much there IS no protocol. They keep some of the doors locked and have signs up for visitors to come into the office for a pass but there is no enforcement and a back door to the playground is left unlocked.)

Well, we went to this new school and again – door nearest office is unlocked, you have to go into office to sign in on their little laptop and it asks for your name, then why you’re there (the first time I came in they said to check “Observation” as my purpose) and then it prints a green sticker nametag for you and off you go. That’s it. No one escorts you anywhere, no one asks why you are here, you aren’t checked against a list of volunteers or authorized visitors, no one asks you to leave your bag in the office. You sign up on a computer, with whatever name strikes your fancy, and off you go – full access to the entire building.

I thought about this a lot as I wandered through the halls with no one asking who I was or why I was there. Moira’s therapist wasn’t there yet so we hung out in the empty room and played, then she needed to use the bathroom and down the hall we went to the CHILDREN’S BATHROOM where I was allowed to walk in (there were kids in there, with no teacher around) and help Mo pee and walk out… and I passed a few teachers, lots of kids alone. No one said a word to us – okay, several of the kids said hi. It was as if that silly green sticker symbolized I was “safe” – everyone assumed if I had signed in I must be okay, right?

But no one asked. No one checked. I was carrying around a large bag that could have contained a weapon, drugs, a small nuclear device. I could have been a parent in a custody battle, I could have walked in the front door and grabbed my kid and walked out the back door. You can of course leave through any door, though the visitor signs do ask you to remember to check out. If I don’t check out does that set off any sort of red flag? Does anyone come looking for me? I signed in with just my first name this time – Heidi – wondering if the computer would catch that and request a last name. Nope.

And as I discussed with Moira’s therapist – so how does sign in help? So we know that Mickey Mouse signed in at 10am, a teacher was shot at 10:01am and Mickey Mouse never signed out? That’s great, but how exactly do we now find Mickey Mouse?

I did explain to this wonderful therapist that I’m an Army brat – this stuff often occurs to me simply because of my father’s work and I realize a lot of parents don’t think of this things. But I do.

It makes me nuts that systems like this give parents, teachers, staff, children, the entire community a false sense of security. It is completely meaningless at stopping anyone from doing something dangerous… If this “security” system was not in place, maybe teachers and students would be more attentive to strangers. Maybe people would ask questions and not assume that dumb green nametag meant anything at all. Maybe people would use their common sense and not believe someone else was taking care of the job of monitoring their personal safety – and the safety of their kids. That’s what scares me.

Schools are an easy target. And it’s not that it’s very likely a crazy person or angry parent is going to attack the school. But in light of our society today, it’s something that should be anticipated and prepared for as a worst case scenario… It doesn’t have to create a climate of fear (though we already have that) but awareness is empowering and the false sense of security is, I think, dangerous.

This has been flitting through my head while we work on lessons (Mo’s decided she wants to learn to spell colors, C is working on pronouns & possessive pronouns.)

How would I do it? If I were the school? This may be utterly unrealistic, but it’s off the top of my head.

I would keep the doors locked, including the back door to the playground, and give each teacher a key to come back in with or a swipe pass (maybe they have this and just leave it unlocked for grins?) I would maintain a list of all volunteers and the time slots they are coming in for and ask for photo ID when they arrive and give them a more permanent ID badge. After background checks were given and personal references verified. Seriously. Being a parent doesn’t make you safe to be around kids. Walk in parents, same thing – more permanent badge verifying them as parent visiting campus or some sort of ID check at front door. Anyone else coming in sits in the office (after verifying ID by copying and checking picture and getting contact info) until they are escorted to a classroom or a teacher or aid comes to pick them up. And yes, IDs can be faked or have old addresses but you ASK, “Is this your current address? We need a contact number, do you have your cell phone on you?” I would make sure the front office and each teacher has a portable phone and a panic button to main office (and the front office one to police) – because I’ve used panic buttons in my work and they work, those signals come in and you can bet the cops show up REAL fast.

I would have some serious inservice training with teachers about the different scenarios and what should/could/would be done. Practice lock downs, as obnoxious as they are (I know our primary school does this) just in case… It’s more likely a kid will be seriously injured on the playground than that a shooter will show up but what happens if the teacher has a kid fall and needs to keep a kid still – do you send another kid running to the front office? Do you have a way to call 911 from the playground? Do you have a panic button to ask for help? Maybe this school has all of those resources in place and more, I have no idea. I’m just guessing by the very casual way they are handling their front office security that the other issues are equally low priorities.

And I have to ask about these bathrooms – visitors should not have access to unchaperoned kids in the bathroom! That sounds horrible but hello?? There are incidences in the news of kids hurting other kids in situations like that, why in the world was I allowed into the bathroom?? Not that you can stop a determined bad person but at least have a visitor’s bathroom in the front office – maybe there was one and no one mentioned it to us the two times I’ve taken Mo to the regular one? So if an adult non-teacher is there, someone will notice and say something.

I am with Mo at this school at all times, and when she’s at speech at the other school it’s for 2 hours but I admit – I’ve wondered about things like this. Standing there in the hallway waiting for them to bring Mo out, chatting with the dad and grandma coming to pick up other kids, hearing teachers screaming at their classes (but that’s a whole other topic) and thinking – ANYONE can walk in here and have access to my daughter. The school is an open book, and are we okay with that?

Bennett loves reading lately, he’s sitting at a table next to me with a book open and he’s running his finger left to right across the words saying the letters he sees. I LOVE IT.

I was trying to do too many things at once in the kitchen – making lunch for the kids, prepping dinner (skillet lasagna) and working on a pretty elaborate surprise for my sister & her husband’s temple sealing this weekend. So very distracted, and the kids ate but right after prayer I jumped back up to grab something and still hadn’t eaten. The kids finished and moved onto something else – leftover pancakes for breakfast. They wanted this and that, strawberry sauce and peanut butter and help cutting. I sat down and said, “NO, I want to eat, it’s my turn. Do it yourself, you can do it.” They protested and whined a second and I handed them butter knifes and said GO FOR IT. Still protesting, they gave it a try.

They did it. They were clearly trying to sort this out logistically, holding the fork and knife and sawing their pancakes and trying to get the plate to hold still. If you think about it, cutting pancakes takes some coordination! But they both did it, and Moira was just beaming as she cut her first bite and announces, “I DID IT!!” I asked, “Moira, how do you feel?” and she grins and cheers, “HAPPY!”

It was a good reminder for me – we’re suppose to be helping these kids learn independence. Yes, it’s much faster to cut their food myself or to unload the dishwasher alone. But of course then they aren’t learning for themselves. For us it may be a chore, but for them it’s chances to learn and grow and be more like their parents – and at this stage they WANT that.

And when they do it? When they accomplish something on their own, they are SO excited and so proud and you can see them glowing. Because they did it.

So I’m resolving to back off (again) and encourage them to at least give it a try before they ask for help. To let them practice a bit with their wings. Cutting pancakes is just a start…

We’ve been doing lots of exploring and lots of reading:

Exploring this Rain Forest math games and so far the kids love it – Mo’s doing level A (kindergarden) and Christopher is doing well on level B (1st grade.) I have to read them the directions because I don’t think a small child can read “longer” and “shorter” yet but if we sit with them to explain details it looks fun.

“There is a time to admire the grace and persuasive power of an influential idea, and there is a time to fear its hold over us. The time to worry is when the idea is so widely shared that we no longer even notice it, when it is so deeply rooted that it feels to us like plain common sense. At that point when objections are not answered anymore because they are no longer even raised, we are not in control; we do not have the idea; it has us.” – Alfie Kohn

More to come…

I’m bumping this to the top to answer questions. I heard from some websites about a box to keep your younger kids busy while working with older kids – it’s not a specific site or book, and I grabbed ideas from everywhere and combined them with activities our many therapists have suggested to help with gross and fine motor skills.

There are lots of small pieces so it’s not safe for kids prone to putting things in their mouths and it covers skills for Bennett up through Christopher. The deal is it can only be pulled out during “lessons” with the hope that it will buy us some time to work one on one with Christopher. Most of the activities are self guided, if we explain then Bennett and Moira can do them with just indirect supervision. I can hand them one bag, explain how it works and let them go.

I included the activities with a brief idea card/instruction sheet (in case Kit or someone else is doing this or just to remind myself of ideas) and put them in the zipper bags with tabs so the kids can open them without my help. It’s the ziploc type bags with the little tab to zip open and closed. Emy can’t work it yet but Bennett can so it gives me a little time to intervene. We did a math, ABC, art, & motor bag then a few mixed things.

Besides this bag we’ve set up those blue IKEA bins with toys – one with puzzles, one with blocks, another with the train set, a dress up box. I can grab a bin and set it on the living room floor for the little kids while I work with the older kids.

Math Bag – dice (for adding up numbers or just playing), foam number flashcards, laminated number flashcards w/corresponding dot cards, the clothespin fish game (to fish for certain number or to do +/- problem and fish for answer), counting bears, and the mini-clothespins with numbers written on them and a piece of cardstock with numbers (fine motor and matching)

ABC bag – letter tiles, foam letters, and various flashcards

Art bag – felt circles with various felt shapes cut out to make faces, foam bookmarks with stickers and letters to decorate, sticker sheet and sticker book (for fine motor work, I did SMALL stickers) and other little art activities (crayons, paper, etc) Chalk & black paper to color, black paper & toothpicks, put paper on towel and let kids poke picture then tape paper to window, toothpicks & marshmallows for building things

Motor bag – paper with dark lines on it and scissors to practice cutting, pipe cleaner and cut up straw for threading, cotton balls and straws to practice blowing (good for Mo’s motor mouth stuff), beads and string, beads & tweezers to practice putting in cups, jars & beads to practice sorting, screwing & unscrewing, shaving cream (I’ll supervise that!) for playing in.

Pom poms and colored popsicle sticks with cups that have colors written on them for sorting, counting, spelling.

Dry erase board & marker.

I also have a box for Christopher & Moira to do when Bennett is asleep, smaller things like magnets, popsicle sticks wedged for building, straw & connector sets, etc. We also have finger paint, playdoh, paintbrushes & paint, etc – but that’s going to be closely supervised. This box is to provide 15 to 30 minutes of independent play for younger kids… I hope. And hopefully the novelty of only getting it during lessons will buy me more time. Bennett does great playing outside and playing alone, but I thought he was old enough to try some more structured play activities. And just when Bennett learns to play well and entertain himself during lessons, Emy’s going to become the resident tornado…

Here’s the box – just an old plastic bin with lid.

The various bags.

Our “sorting” bag with cups labeled with colors, bag of pom poms, bag of popsicle sticks in variety of colors, and instruction card. You can see the paper with dark lines in the box, that’s for practicing cutting.

Let me know if that helps! The list is vague so if you want details for something in particular (like the fish game) let me know and I can send you a picture and specifics.

Didn’t I just something about simplifying life? I decided to take our own advice and we’re doing even more cutting from the schedule. I realized we’re spending so much time doing activities with various friends and homeschool groups that we’re feeling rushed through our actual HOME school stuff. We’re doing so much extra that I’m feeling the basics are getting shortchanged.

So, more changes that will hopefully ease the chaos a bit. We’re leaving our craft group (but will be maintaining those connections through other activities) and we’re designating mornings for home work at least 4 days a week. Leaving one morning for playdates. We’re making sure basic lessons (language and math) get done before that first morning snack.

The “busy box” has been a great help with keeping the little two distracted while I focus on the older two.

We’re also working on Mommy’s lessons. Exercise, breakfast, scripture time in the MORNING so my day goes easier. Have to stop skipping those. I hit the ground running in the morning and it’s hard to slow down for that early morning quiet time. I miss running – I get my chance to clear my thoughts and prepare to face the day. I need that time to prepare myself! So, adding that back to the schedule. I’m also working on the evenings away. Between the Mothers’ Time Out, interest groups at church (scrapbooking food storage), Smoothing the Way, Charlotte Mason and several other homeschool meetings it’s just too much time away. I had said one night a week for meetings but there are often 2 to 3 meetings a week. And some weeks I don’t want to be gone even one night. SO, cutting out a lot of those. Figuring out all the meetings in the month and ranking them and hacking off the bottom part of the list so I’m only going to the stuff I really need/want to attend.

We’re going to do more park dates instead of formal group activities, and more one-on-one playdates instead of the large group events. I know that is helping ease Mo’s stress which eases my stress. We have SO MUCH THERAPY that we decided to drop one day of that, too. Our kids aren’t even in sports or music or dance but we’re feeling overscheduled.

So I hope these changes are going to lead to more quiet days at home to read and play and I’m anticipating the fewer transitions are going to help all of us.

Edit: As I wrote that the kids were playing in the yard. Christopher was sitting in the corner of the yard on our tree swing, just swaying back and forth and looking around. He looked so quiet and pensive and peaceful and I thought, “THAT’S IT! That is what I’m trying to create – moments for them to just hang out and be thoughtful and have fun and notice the world.” Time to just be kids.