Habit training – focus list.
Saturday, August 30th, 2008We like a lot of Charlotte Mason’s philosophies about education but I’m not going to link to her because I’m lazy. But that’s where we get the phrase habit training from, in case you want to go read more.
Kit and I just had a talk about which behaviors are causing me the most stress and then to put a positive spin on it, compiled our list of areas we would like to focus on for habit training. Here they are:
Christopher
Listening
Moira
Dinner (trying new things even when the very appearance of a new food on her plate causes her to twitch with anxiety)
No asking — screeching (expressing her emotions in a more constructive way)
Sensory shutdown (helping her identify triggers for sensory overload and finding more appropriate coping techniques)
Bennett
Not asking for help (getting permission before getting own food or using major household appliances)
Frustration at No (accepting being told no more gracefully!!)
Fatigue & Hunger Meltdowns
(or in a nutshell – Hunger, Fatigue, Boundaries)
Emiline
Aggression
Wanton Recreational Destruction
So, Christopher’s primary focus is just listening better. Moira’s is helping her cope with the sensory issues, encouraging her to better express herself, and trying new foods. Bennett’s is asking for help, accepting no/expressing frustration better, and we need to be better about feeding him and enforcing sleep so we avoid the meltdowns triggered by exhaustion and hunger. Emy’s issues I think are mostly she’s turned two (today) and we’re stilling trying to teach her the rules of civilization like don’t color on the walls or sit in the bathroom sink splashing the water. BUT she’s also taking to attacking the older kids (pulling hair, pretending to bite them but not actually biting them, snatching things) and I think that’s attention seeking. Maybe because of the new baby? So Emy we need to give more positive attention to, reinforce the rules of not hurting people or things, and just trying to teach her the guidelines of polite society in general.
Going to write up a list of keywords to remind us of the focus areas and hang it on the fridge. These are the areas causing me the most stress and instead of feeling like a big failure as a parent and being frustrated with the kids in general, I can stick to the issues that are our primary concerns. We clarified that our “mountains” (vs. our molehills) are (1) safety issues (2) being kind. Safety is our concern with Bennett (trying to slice his own cheese with a butcher knife, cracking eggs into the frying pan on the stove that thankfully he had not turned on – yet.) With Emy, too, since she can now climb into the sink and onto all the counters. And does. But with all of them the other focus point is being kind – not yelling, asking for help, not hurting people (that last one is just Emy.) Safety, and being kind. I need short lists for my tired brain.
Plus it helps me to look at this list and realize with Bennett and Emy, the concerns are in large part developmental. Not that they will outgrow the aggression or frustrating need for independence but that if we continue to do our part to reiterate, “NO PULLING HAIR!” and “ASK FOR HELP!!” that eventually it will sink in if we are consistent about teaching the message. Some degree of this is age appropriate, Emy truly does not understand yet that certain behaviors hurt others because she’s tiny and she’s egocentric and she’s learning consequences still and for a one year old that’s typical – not that it’s okay, but it’s pretty “normal” until they are otherwise trained. If we didn’t address these issues they would get worse but I know as she gets older and we keep reminding her it’s not okay that in large part her development will help with this and she will not be so aggressive and will use more appropriate ways to get attention if we give her alternatives. “Don’t pull hair when you want a turn, ASK them for a turn.” I’ve seen kids that did not get the consequences enforced and they were older and still doing these things, but they had been conditioned to believe it was okay by lack of action on their parents’ part. If we make it clear it’s not okay, I know we can resolve this. The key being us making it clear what’s acceptable, what is not, and always following through.
Consistency. Pick your battles. At a young age, keep the verbal explanation short. (At an older age, do explain the reasoning for certain rules/situations.) Don’t give lots of warnings – say it once and enforce (assuming you have made the rules clear already.) Lay down the rules & consequences and make sure they are known. Let them experience natural consequences – when serious injury is not involved. I’m not going to let Bennett learn the natural consequences of opening the oven while it’s on – I’m going to step in for that case and perhaps the natural consequence of Mom screaming across the house in panic at the oven door being opened will help reiterate to him that it’s not a wise choice?
Okay, I can do this. 
I remember having certain challenges with Christopher and Moira and wondering how we would ever teach them these things and civilize and keep them alive and mostly unbroken but we did it. (Okay, one broken foot aside.) And they are really great kids, so thoughtful and delightful and kind and polite and for the most part, exceptionally cooperative and helpful. They like explanations for things but they are really obedient to the family rules we’ve established. I have hope that with time and enforcing the same guidelines, we will manage to get Bennett and Emy civilized. Or at least get them out of toddler-hood in one piece? Safety and kindness, our two focus points for now. And kindness I need to model better if I want to teach them… along with patience and soft voices. The most important lessons we can do for now, more important than working on our ABCs, is teaching them by example to be loving and kind and thoughtful even when we’re tired and stressed.
