I’ve been noticing the dates this week, they still come to mind with random memories. We ate Chick-Fil-A waffle fries last night and Kit commented on how that’s what I was eating when we realized something was wrong seven years ago – minutes later I had an annoyed anesthesiologist unhappy with me for having just eaten those fries when he needed to knock me out for a stat cesarean. (Sorry, cranky anesthesiologist – I hadn’t been planning to have a baby that day, and the placental abruption sure hadn’t been on my agenda. If I had been planning for that I might have skipped the fries.)

Seven years ago I was in shock, despite the months of warning. I was living at Baylor Dallas and only 22 weeks pregnant. I had been on bedrest for 12 weeks… TWELVE WEEKS. Do you know how much it hurts to be on bedrest for 12 weeks? I’m hurting just remembering. People would make comments about how nice it must be to “just lay around all day!” and I wanted to punch them in the face – except I wasn’t allowed to sit up or else my baby might die. Yep, bedrest is not fun.

I was being monitored around the clock and having a steady stream of visitors to my room – dietician, nutritionist, physical therapist, neonatologists, perinatologists, residents, my sweet nurses, and the chaplain. I was having discussions about survival and disability and viability and palliative care and which funeral home we would like to use to handle our son’s final arrangements. We were researching burial spots. That’s how I spent the weeks leading up to my son’s birth.

The most recent ultrasound we had with our high risk doctors had shown several markers which concerned them (as if every ultrasound didn’t cause stunned looks and consultations?) But it showed B may have had Down’s syndrome or another chromosomal concerns. We spent those weeks researching everything we could find about health concerns and special needs for children born with Down’s. (He was two weeks old before we remembered and asked if he had any chromosomal issues. It just didn’t occur to us to even ask before then, we had far more pressing concerns on our mind!)

Now as I type this I have an almost seven year old bartering with me – Mom, I finished my spelling, can I have some iPad time? Mom, I’m hungry, can I make my own taco? Mom, when is the science class at the library? Mom, I’m hungry, what can I eat?

He’s still living full speed ahead. Loud and fast and excited and laughing and leaping and so UNBELIEVABLY healthy. It’s bizarre, how strong and healthy this boy is. If we could get him to slow down he probably wouldn’t qualify for speech therapy anymore. Despite the vision issues he’s still living with gusto, oblivious to any possible limitations anyone may imply he has.

He’s amazing. Then, now, every day in between. For seven years now I’ve been watching this miracle grow. It’s a humbling, overwhelming experience to be mother to all six of these miracles.

Okay, he’s started cooking for himself so I better supervise.

Seven years ago:

Posing for his Super Hero party invites, I’m not sure exactly what they were doing but his pose and expressions crack me up:

Tough guy, eh?

Today was J’s six month speech assessment and we were giddy to hear that he doesn’t qualify anymore, not by any stretch of the imagination! His receptive and expressive language he aced, going up through seven year old stuff. His articulation was our reason for enrolling him and to qualify he needed to score below 64 – he scored an 85. Woo-hoo!!

While we love his speech therapist, we’re happy he’s such an articulate little boy now and doesn’t need that extra boost.

We will keep Mr. B in speech as he’s working with some different oral motor issues alongside the speech and pacing stuff, but that’s cool! He’s doing great, our biggest challenge with B is getting him to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n. But as we observed, that’s just how he lives his life – FULL SPEED!

E: Mom, there’s a boy who wants to kiss me on the lips.

Me: (Raised eyebrows) Oh?

E: (Turning to speak to Aunt Emily) – Heidi*says I should marry ___________ (her betrothed) but there’s a boy who wants to kiss me – on my LIPS! I don’t know how to choose!

Then she asked me when her betrothed is gonna visit again, probably because she’s wondering if he’s gonna offer some lip kissing. Then Emily turns to me and says, “She is so your karma child.”

*Yes, sometimes she calls me Heidi.

Kit installed this for me to have a new photo editing option – tutorials here. Part of my goals for the year. I’m exited to see the new options as far as editing birth photos.

When I made these I first thought, “They’re good, but they’re not the best I’ve ever had.” Then we kept eating and the love grew.

Brownies – Kinda Mississippi Mud, but we changed them.

¾ cups All-purpose Flour
2 Tablespoons Unsweetened Cocoa Powder
½ teaspoons Salt (3/4 since I didn’t use butter)
½ cups Unsalted Butter, At Room Temperature (2 T coconut oil, 1/3 cup canola)
1 cup White Sugar
¾ teaspoons Pure Vanilla Extract
2 whole Large Eggs
¾ cups Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips
———————————–
½ cups Crunchy Peanut Butter
1-½ teaspoon Canola Oil
———————————–
2 cups Mini Marshmallows (skipped)
½ cups Chopped And Toasted Pecans (skipped)
———————————–
2 cups Confectioner’s Sugar
⅛ teaspoons Salt
4 Tablespoons Unsalted Butter
2 Tablespoons Unsweetened Cocoa Powder
¼ cups Plus 2 Tablespoons Of Milk
¼ teaspoons Pure Vanilla Extract

Preparation Instructions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line an 8×8″ square baking pan with parchment paper or foil. If using foil, spray it with cooking spray.
In medium bowl, combine flour, 2 Tablespoons cocoa powder, and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Set aside.
In large mixing bowl, beat together 1/2 cup butter, sugar, and 3/4 teaspoons vanilla until creamy. Add the eggs one at a time. Stir dry ingredients into batter. Pour batter into prepared pan and spread evenly. Sprinkle with chocolate chips. Bake in preheated oven for 22-25 minutes.
When brownie layer is done baking, combine peanut butter and oil in a microwave safe bowl or measuring cup and microwave on high for 20 seconds to soften. Pour this warm mixture over hot brownie and spread. (Sprinkle the peanut butter covered brownies with marshmallows. Return to oven to bake for 3 more minutes, or until the marshmallows puff. Remove from oven and sprinkle puffed marshmallows with toasted pecans. – SKIPPED)
To make frosting, combine confectioners sugar and salt. In small saucepan, melt 4 Tablespoons butter over medium heat. When butter is melted, add the 2 Tablespoons of cocoa powder and 1/4 cup of the milk and heat until the mixture begins to boil. Pour this mixture into confectioners sugar/salt mixture and beat on high speed with an electric mixer until smooth and glossy. If frosting is not pourable at this point, add remaining 2 Tablespoons of milk (I didn’t have to do this). Lastly, beat in 1/4 teaspoon vanilla, then pour evenly over puffed marshmallows and pecans.
Let cool completely in refrigerator for 1-2 hours. Cut into squares and enjoy!

* Emily and I were at Walmart and saw there was still a Christmas clearance section, which always has a bizarrely magnetic pull for us. There were two very kind but bored looking college guys working back in that section and when we saw there were still gingerbread house kits left we asked them to price them (because those kits are eternal, let’s be honest – they aren’t real food, they never perish.) The guys laughed and said they were 75% off and 50% off that and if we promised to take more than one they would give them to us for 50% off that. I said at that point they may be paying US to take them and they said they just wanted this section cleared out and if we bought four they would give us four FREE! We bought two. I think they were $.62 each and we’re going to make a Valentine Village! The frosting is red and white, it works. Don’t you love weird finds?

* I went to a new dentist today. My dentist of five years MOVED and there was a new dentist at the same practice. She was nice, but I miss my dentist so we decided to go shop around. I checked out a new practice today (they had a good deal for an exam, x-rays, and cleaning.) I’ve never had so many pictures taken of my teeth EVER, they do digital x-rays and then digital PHOTOS with this little wand thing in your mouth and then show you on a tv screen hooked up to the dental seat. I didn’t like that part (normally they show you movies on the screen, far less traumatic than seeing close ups of my teeth.) He commented on my very long roots (hmm, odd) and pointed out that my sinuses are literally overlapping my roots on the x-ray, which explains why when my allergies are acting up my teeth are more sensitive. I made him reiterate a bazoogle times that there’s nothing wrong with my teeth (paranoid much?) and he was so very patient. I really liked everyone there, from the receptionist to the assistant to the dentist. Not often I leave a dentist office happy!

* The last two days it’s been temperatures in the 70s so we’ve spent the afternoon in the yard with bikes and chalk drawing and dirt digging. It’s been lovely.

* I’m on some new vitamins (calcium, D, C, omega-3s, extra Bs) and I think it’s working! Despite being outside for the last couple days I’ve not needed any allergy meds. I can still tell I have allergies, but I’m not getting the sinus headaches and sore jaw. Woo-hoo, I have hope! I went on them for adrenal support reasons and I think they are really, truly helping. Or else it’s placebo effect but either way – IT’S WORKING! I feel physically and emotionally and mentally better. I just finished reading a book about adrenal fatigue and it’s been enlightening.

* The last couple weeks I’ve been surprised by how many people have contacted me about my doula services. I got my first contact from someone using google and finding my website! She said she liked everything she read and we have a consultation set up. Another found me through a friend of a friend? But I don’t know which friend, and I referred her on – most of them I refer on unless they’re birthing in town (or really close.)

* I’m knocking out the books on my goal list, it feels good. I’m also being much better about sticking to my routine, which means I better head to bed right now!

“For there to be love, there has to be the option, both now and then, to not love. To turn the other way. To reject the love extended. To say no. Although God is powerful and mighty, when it comes to the human heart God has to play by the same rules we do. God has to respect our freedom to choose to the very end, even at the risk of the relationship itself. If at any point God overrides, co-opts, or hijacks the human heart, robbing us of our freedom to choose, then God has violated the fundamental essence of what love even is.”

“As soon as the door is opened to Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and Baptists from Cleveland, many Christians become very uneasy, saying that then Jesus doesn’t matter anymore, the cross is irrelevant, it doesn’t matter what you believe, and so forth.

Not true.
Absolutely, unequivocally, unalterably not true.

What Jesus does is declare that he,
and he alone,
is saving everybody!

And then he leaves the door way, way open. Creating all sorts of possibilities. He is as narrow as himself and as wide as the universe.

He is as exclusive as himself and as inclusive as containing every single particle of creation.”

“Millions have been taught that if they don’t believe, if they don’t accept in the right way, that is, the way the person telling them the gospel does, and they were hit by a car and died later that same day God would have no choice but to punish them forever in conscious torment in hell. God would, in essence, become a fundamentally different being to them in that moment of death, a different being to them forever. A loving heavenly father who will go to extraordinary lengths to have a relationship with them would, in the blink of an eye, become a cruel, mean, vicious tormenter who would ensure that they had no escape from an endless future of agony.

If there was an earthly father who was like that, we would call the authorities. If there was an actual human dad who was that volatile, we would contact child protection services immediately.

If God can switch gears like that, switch entire modes of being that quickly, that raises a thousand questions about whether a being like this could ever be trusted, let alone good.”

“God creates, because the endless joy and peace and shared life at the heart of this God knows no other way. Jesus invites us into that relationship, the one at the center of the universe. He insists that he’s one with God, that we can be one with him, and that life is a generous, abundant reality. This God whom Jesus spoke of has always been looking for partners, people who are passionate about participating in the ongoing creation of the world.”

“Life has never been about just ‘getting in.’ It’s about thriving in God’s good world. It’s stillness, peace, and that feeling of your soul being at rest, while at the same time it’s about asking things, learning things, creating things, and sharing it all with others who are finding the same kind of joy in the same good world.”

We cleaned out the car and the garage while the littles dug in the yard. We’re eating snacks now and I had to take off my long sleeved shirt because it was too hot.

Okay, we got our lens from Adorama but Kit says it’s not there now – we think this is it – Canon EF 28-90mm f/4-5.6 III Wide Angle-Telephoto Auto Focus Zoom Lens:

And this is our light scoop, it’s an alternative to the bounce flash – much cheaper, fantastic, and I’ve been told by a professional it was even preferable to a bounce flash in some situations – there’s no delay while waiting if the flash has to recharge!

I’ve been using iPhoto’s limited capabilities to edit but Kit insists it’s time I learn a real editing program. That’s now been added to my goals list, along with spending some serious time learning my camera. I read the owner’s manual, that wasn’t super helpful but here are some suggestions on Pinterest for photo tutorials:

Photography tutorial.

Camera cheat sheet.

(I’m re-reading it to get some quotes down. I did get my own copy of Velvet Elvis from Paperback Swap!)

“So when people ask, ‘What will we do in heaven?’ one possible answer is to simply ask: ‘What do you love to do now that will go on in the world to come?’ What is it that when you do it, you lose track of time because you get lost in it? What do you do that makes you think, ‘I could do this forever’? What is it that makes you think, ‘I was made for this’?

If you ask these kinds of questions long enough you will find some impulse related to creation. Some way to be, something to do. Heaven is both the peace, stillness, serenity, and calm that come from having everything in its right place – that stage in which nothing is required, needed, or missing – and the endless joy that comes from participating in the ongoing creation of the world.”

“Jesus makes no promise that in the blink of an eye we will suddenly become totally different people who have vastly different tastes, attitudes, and perspectives. Paul makes it very clear that we will have our true selves revealed and that once the habits and bigotry and pride and petty jealousies are prohibited and removed, for some there simply won’t be much left.”

“Eternal life doesn’t start when we die;
it starts now.
It’s not about a life that begins at death;
it’s about experiencing the kind of life now that can
endure and survive even death.”